It was first reported weeks ago, when the announcement was put out.

John Koletas, pastor of Grace Baptist Church in Troy, NY, had a raffle Sunday for an AR-15 valued between $700 and $1200. 150 people attended the sermon, out of which 75 participated in the raffle. (150 people attended the sermon, from a usual congregation of 75. Coincidence?) Something along the lines of the Kentucky gun giveaway not far back.

The kicker is that three names were called before that of winner Ronald Stafford (pictured), but they all left out of boredom I'm sure because the sermon was three hours long. (I remember mass as a child was about an hour, an hour and a half tops, which included being on your knees, the sing-along, the few minutes my uncle let me hold a twenty, handshake time, drinking and eating Jesus, and THE SERMON.)

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All winners were subject to a federal background check. Although they were encouraged to have beards, they were not allowed to have Muslimy sounding names. Basically, Koletas is a double agent for the left intent on making gun owners look bad. Even the church's website is a 90s normcore tragedy. A slideshow on the website of Troy's paper of record, The Record, shows the particpants to be fairly normal-looking people though.

(All the more reason never to venture out into the world. Stay home, have everything delivered by Amazon, Netflix and Postmates, telecommute. Rinse, lather, repeat until you tragically die of a spray of celebratory 5.56 mm rounds on July 4th later this year.

On your kitchen table, beneath your slumped form and soaking in a reddened pool of milk and breakfast cereal, they'll find an invoice from a general contractor. The order is for a set of bulletproof windows. The installation date: July 5th.)