In commemoration of Gwyneth's separation, I submit to you an essay that I wrote about her in 2005. Enjoy this glimpse into classic Gwyneth Hatred.
I hate Gwyneth Paltrow and now I will register my hate more strongly because she is going to be all over the screen in Proof. Proof, where we can hear once again from Vogue, etc., how she is not only a style icon but also, talented, charismatic and so blonde and rich, we commoners can't help but hate her. I don't hate her because she is blonde and rich, but rather, I thought I would give you the top
five six reasons why I hate Gwyneth Paltrow.
1. Stupid plus pretentious equals annoying She's like Kevin Klein's character on Fish called Wanda. Gwyneth says: "I was very interested in art and art history, so I probably would have pursued that somehow — working in a gallery or an auction house or something like that".Because just being thin and blonde and vapid and connected will surely get you that job. Wait. Damnit.
"Everything I wanted to achieve, I achieved," says Paltrow. "I'm not one of those people who keeps raising the bar." She's such a liar. She wants people to say, Oh Gwynnie but you do! She's always fishing for complements!
2. Rich American who hates America because we aren't klassy enough. "I worry about bringing up a child in America. At the moment there's a weird, over-patriotic atmosphere over there, like, 'We're No. 1 and the rest of the world doesn't matter.'" Now, I am not one for the annoyingly empty patriotism that sometimes permeates the country, particularly when Dubya is around but still, STFU Gwyn. Oh Gwynnie, stop pretending that you are making some kind of political statement. If you cared, you'd be an activist. You're just a pretentious girl who wants to be cool like Europeans because you think it makes you sound smart. Now make like Madonna and start speaking with a fake British accent and you can think that it makes you sound more sophisticated even though we both know that it just makes you sound like a jackass with a fake British Accent.
3. Skinny blonde girls are always victimized by the man That's a joke inspired by these quotes from a Salon article. To wit: "How did someone who has done as little to court controversy as Gwyneth Paltrow become such a divisive figure? Easy — she's rich, white, beautiful and successful." or "It's childish to rail against the fact that people's connections help them (the exception being the current occupant of the White House). There wasn't one person I heard making fun of Paltrow for bursting into tears accepting her Oscar who didn't sound offensively inhuman."
First of all, my sister is a skinny blonde. I don't mind the skinny blondes of the world but this bullshit oppression thing that Gwynnie herself seems invested in, is just completely delusional. And if it is childish to rail against some spoiled privileged little twit who has gotten nothing but undeserved kudos for her mediocrity, then pass me a bottle. You don't get a friggin' cookie for being born rich and not being a complete whore or drug addict. And to the author of the article, it's awesome and so subversive when dudes tell us grimey chicks not to be catty. Thanks, you understand me more than I do. (fucker) I won't even touch the statement that lumps in beautiful and successful with white, but damn, that's a dumbass statement.
4. She's the queen of fake empathy. Quote about Shallow Hal: "Well, I put on the suit and I went outside and walked around. It was actually very interesting, because I was really nervous about being found out. But when I walked around, nobody would even make eye contact with me. Like nobody would even look in my direction. Because I think when you get a sense of someone being slightly outside what we all consider normal, you think, oh it's polite not to look. But actually, it's incredibly isolating. And it really upset me."
Ah Gee, Gwynnie, you now know even more what it's like to be othered since you walked around a movie set in a fat suit. God, you're so empathic, you are continuously proving how much better you are than the rest of humanity.
5. She pretends to be incredibly private and yet somehow, I know every fucking detail of her life! Gwynnie on Brad: "It would have been a lot easier on Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston now if they had not talked to the press about each other and everything to begin with."
A little hypocritical, huh, Gwynnie, since we know about every fucking relationship you've been in, your current feelings about motherhood and your husband and all because you can't keep your ass out of the media spotlight. You just can't stop giving interviews where you go into intense details about your life while Plum Sykes kisses your ass. I guess it's a public service that we can gain details about your life but come on, I am sick of this stupid bait and switch crap, ie. you hate the press and you court the press and you \don't see the apparent hypocracy in you talking to the press about a former flame of yours about how people shouldn't talk to the press about their relationships. Aieee!
6.Coldplay's Chris Martin and his wife, actress Gwyneth Paltrow, are leaving Britain after being frightened by the recent terror attacks on London.First of all, who thinks that they actually ride the subway. Second of all, they are stupid and delusional if they think that somehow they are safer in Los Angeles. Third of all, I think that they are using some lame political excuse so they don't look like rich assholes who are buying their third home but rather both politically conscious and family oriented. And I bet they are such assholes, they believe it themselves.But I pity poor Gwynnie who now has to suffer among us superficial Americans. At least she can comfort herself with her designer clothes and self-righteousness.