​ Dear Founders: Constitutional Advice with JohnnySqueasel VI

​ Dear Founders: Constitutional Advice with JohnnySqueasel VI

Alright Bug Out Boys, Let's get into this week's Mail Sack. Don't forget to subscribe to the Citizen Warrior Newsletter. No .gov email addresses allowed. Your mileage may very prepper forever God bless our sovereign rights.


Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

Do you believe in ghosts? I recently moved into an old Victorian home in a different part of town. Everything was lovely at first, but then I started noticing different odd things happening. It started with small items disappearing, like my grandfather's watch and my screw driver. At first I thought it was me misplacing things, but then stranger things would happen. After locking my back door at night, I'll awake in the morning to find it completely open. Terrified it might be burglars or helter-skelter lunatics, I bought a dog and a gun. Just last night I was awoken by my dog barking. I went to the kitchen where the dog is and found my back door completely open. It took all my courage, but I got a flashlight and searched my back yard, my shotgun handy. Then, I noticed my dog had abruptly stopped barking. I went back inside the house and found the dog dead on the floor, my screw driver sticking out of his eye and my watching dangling from the handle. What good is my gun against something like this?

Sincerely,

Hard to Draw Down on Specters

A: Dear Spectrum,

Your ghost story is scary and I don't like it. It's probably not ghosts, but in fact a helter-skelter guy fucking with you. I'd say 90% helter-skelters, 10% ghost. This is going to take a few steps:

1. Get a rusty metal coat rack and put some blue glass bottles on it - this will be a defacto haint catcher to stop curses and spirits

2. Put a line of red brick dust in front of every door so ghosts can't come in the doors

3. Buy a bunch of nanny cam teddy bears and put one in each room.

4. Wait til night, and this time, leave your back door wide open and CREAKING IN THE WIND. BECAUSE GUESS WHAT, THERE IS SOMETHING SCARIER THAN GHOSTS THIS NIGHT. IT'S YOU, CREEPING IN THE DARK, SHOTGUN READY TO ROCK. THE SECOND ANYTHING WALKS THROUGH THAT DOOR, DRAW DOWN ON HIS ASS WITH A 12 GAUGE SLUG

Your problem sounds scary, so if it turns out to be a ghost and your rounds don't work on ghosts, you gotta sell your haunted house (don't tell real estate person about the ghost).

Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

What type of bird should I get my son for his birthday? I don't really know which kind he would prefer, that kid is just crazy about birds. He's turning 10.

Regards,

Bird Dad

A: Hey Bird Dog,

Your kid sounds like a major bird nerd and that's a problem I don't have time for. Buy him a rooster and then make him name it, take care of it, then kill it and eat it 6 weeks later. Don't email me again with your bird nerd issues.

Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

I really want to play the new Assassin's Creed game but my dad says I'm not old enough (I'm 13). He is mad about the time I stuck my tongue in a frogs mouth pretending I was having a relationship with Wrex from Mass Effect, and that was two years ago! To further rub it in, my dad has the game himself! I know you say you have to honor your dads, but what if your dad is a fascist jerk? Is it okay if I sneak into his room and play it when he is out? Its not like I'm too young the game is rated Teen.

Thanks!

Trevor Sandberg

A: TREVOR HAND YOUR COMPUTER TO YOUR DAD. Look Mr. Sandborg, your kid is a real weirdo and you gotta get this frog-kisser to a Southern Military Academy RIGHT AWAY. He's into Thug Video Games and full of dark sexual pulses where he wants to bang aliens and amphibians. He should be MARCHING AROUND IN A CONFEDERATE UNIFORM AND SLEEPING IN AN ALL BOYS DORM TO STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT AND MAN HIM UP. YOU TAKE CARE OF THIS STRAIGHT AWAY SO YOUR KID DOESN'T BECOME A WIENIE TAKER ARHGHGHGH!!!!!1

​ Dear Founders: Constitutional Advice with JohnnySqueasel VI