Alright patriots, let's get into your questions. Don't forget to subscribe to the Citizen Warrior Newsletter. No .gov email addresses allowed. Your mileage may very prepper forever God bless our sovereign rights.

Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

Yesterday I ordered a pizza to be delivered and when it came I went to my gate and saw the delivery guy driving away and a gross guy holding my pizza, a slice already in his hand. The delivery guy must have mistook the guy for me and handed him MY pizza. Anyway, the guy asked if he could eat a slice of my medium pizza, but I was really hungry and he couldn't pay for it so I told him to put the slice back. I thought it was really gross and rude of him to touch my pizza without asking. When I noticed he didn't have shoes on, I couldn't help but imagine that maybe he had dipped his toe on every slice before I got outside. I know its probably irrational, but I couldn't shake the idea so I ended up throwing the whole pizza away when I got back inside. I was so hungry by this point that I ordered a large pizza and I ate it all by myself and I got so sick I had to stay home from work today. How could I have handled this better?


Pizza Eater Never Invited Some Random Ugly Guy

A: Dear Pretzeleater,

First off it is a CRIME in the state of Florida to impersonate someone to intercept their pizza. That was your SOVEREIGN property and no MAN or GOVERNMENT may seize that from you. The whole damned state is your castle. Next time, DRAW DOWN on the guy with your concealed carry weapon - I suggest a Kimber .45. Nothing is more dangerous than a thief - who knows how many more ordinances this scofflaw will break before someone gets hurt. GIVE HIM FOUR TO THE THORAX.

Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

I am searching around for a place to live by myself. But I do not like the sound of an apartment, as that's throwing money into the shredder. Houses are really expensive. And I do not want a roommate for the rest of my life, as certain activities I do need absolute privacy. I am seriously considering buying a small camper with the works: fridge, kitchenette, bathroom, bed, power etc. And just renting out a lot. The lot rent is usually very cheap and I have browsed craigslist and ebay, and found that used campers with minor fix ups are fairly cheap!


Is it as easy as that? Or is there a lot more to it? I really would like to know how beneficial camper living would be.

From NecroButcher420

A: Dear NecoButch,

Well I am torn by your question. FIRST, it's great to own land, but even if you do, the damned government pokes around your business all damned year long - power guys snooping on your specs, PROPERTY TAXES? WHAT, I PAY TAX ON SOMETHING I ALREADY BOUGHT? I THINK NOT. A camper is a smart idea. Move it to the beach, move it to gator alley, move it wherever you damn please. Someone comes up those steps though and DRAW DOWN ON THEM.

Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

I breed rattle snakes for the local church but the stupid government says I need a permit for that so I have to show up in court to contest the $350 fine (and risk losing all my best breeder snakes). For court, I only have two ties: one of a Confederate flag and one with Snoopy. Which one should I wear to court? I also have a bolo tie of a naked chick riding a gun but I only wear that one to weddings and such.

Rev. Early Candlesnap

A: Hey Padre,

Good question. These damned permits are barriers to entry for all job creators, such as yourself and are an INFRINGEMENT ON OUR RIGHTS given by the FOUNDERS. Though I am from the great state of Nevada originally, I recommend the CONFEDERATE BATTLE FLAG tie just to remind those goons at the county court house about a little something called FREEDOM OF SPEECH and REBELLION from TYRANNY. As unjust as it is, sometimes you gotta play by these turds rules. When Obamacare forced me to close my pipe clamp distribution business, putting three souls out of a job, I started a food truck selling funnel cakes and beer in the dog track parking lot. Well LA DE DA turns out I got a grip of fines for not having a food safety inspection, not having a business license, for selling margaritas to some children and for starting a grease fire. So I go to the court house to tell these dummies this is horse shit. Long story short I dropped my concealed carry SMITH AND WESSON M&P BODYGUARD in 380 and the gun had a malfunction and it shot a bailiff in the buttock. It took six months of paperwork with these fascists all the way up to the state supreme court but I had the last laugh and I got my permit back. What was your question again?

Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

I heard from a friend that my girlfriend's last boy friend had a penis piercing, so I decided to have a couple ball bearings inserted in my dick skin. My dick looks like a medieval weapon, which is awesome. The bad part is that my girlfriend dumped me before she even got a chance to see it and I think I might be having an allergic reaction or something. My penis hurts every time it touches my pants and its turned bright red (its normally pink (not bright)). To help the pain Ive started wearing one of my girlfriends skirts that she left at my place, and for healing I only eat organic veggies. And some hot dogs but only the really expensive type. Its only getting worse so I want to see a doctor, but I don't trust modern medicine because their drugs are poison. I'm considering going to a crystal therapist or a Shaman, I can only afford one because Obamacare won't cover for them. Which would you choose?