Dear Founders: Constitutional Advice with JohnnySqueasel II


Dear Founders: Constitutional Advice with JohnnySqueasel II

Alright patriots, let's jump right in to the Mailbag. Don't forget to subscribe to the Citizen Warrior Newsletter. No .gov email addresses allowed. Your mileage may very prepper forever God bless our sovereign rights.

Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

I think my teacher is giving me lower grades because he doesn't like me. In an oral book discussion, I said the protagonist in The Stranger super stupid because he refused to help himself, and I think my teacher was offended because he has a hard on for existentialism or whatever. Anyway, I've been getting straight C's for papers I know are at least B+'s. Is there any way I can turn this teacher back onto my side?

Thanks,

Daphne

A: Well Debby,

I am glad you wrote in. Regular lib readers of my column might think I don't like The Stranger as it's a book by a snobby effete Frenchman. BUT THEY'D BE WRONG - because it is a book For Our Times, a modern warning about the encroaching ISLAMIST SHARIA THREAT In God's Land (Florida). Your school is in danger. My prescription is you start a letter campaign to the school district to allow your teachers to pack on campus. A fully ARMED and VIGILANT teaching staff is what you need if you don't want to be wearing a Borkah during your recess. AND ONE OTHER THING this book teaches us - the importance of hydration and wearing good sunglasses - you never know when you'll have to DRAW DOWN on a bad guy and you can't be all thirsty with the sun in your eyes. I recommend Coors Light (it's low alcohol) or Gatorade Razzleberry Blaster, and a pair of polarized Cooter Van Rey GUNMAN lenses in Burnt Amber, which they sell at any reputable Fan Boat Supply Shop.

Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

Journalists keep mixing up the difference between "clips" and "magazines" and its driving me fucking postal. Every time I see this I write a letter to the paper as level headed as I can muster, explaining the difference as if I'm talking to a tiny baby, but I repeatedly see these publications make the mistake. I swear, It makes me want to walk down to their shitty office and SHOW THEM THE DIFFERENCE, if you know what I mean. How can I drive the message into these idiots' skulls?

Regards,

TruPatriotAR

A: Dear TruePatriotAR,

GOD Bless. These dummies, these so called 'journalists', don't know what they're talking about. If you want to drive that message home I recommend a KIMBER RAPTOR II in .45. Or mail these bozos a spooky letter that says "HEY BUB, I GOT YOU A NEW MAG SUBSCRIPTION" and in that envelope put a rusty old magazine full of bullets with their name written on em. THAT'LL SHUT these so called intellectuals up.

Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

I have a Constitutional Question for you. A couple months back I noticed the mole on my chin grows exceptionally thick hairs. When I checked it on precision calipers I found it was the same gauge as a B string on the guitar. Now, I don't touch plastic products as they can leach estrogen into my body, and as a vegan, I don't want to use animal products for my guitar strings. My passion is Spanish guitar, so I thought growing out this mole hair would be the perfect solution to replace my B string. My boss at Subway, however, says I have to shave this hair. He says it dips in the tomatoes when I reach for the ice burg lettuce so I need to shave it off. I would think this would fall under my First Amendment Right for FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION. Can I send my boss to jail for stifling my freedoms?

Regards,

Two Foot Mole Hair And Growing

A: HOW DARE YOU WRITE IN WITH THIS FILTH YOU DEVIANT YOU GOD DAMNED VEGANS KEEP HAMMERING MY SUGGESTION BOX AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!!1 YOURE LUCKY MY SMITH AND WESSON M+P IS IN THE SHOP OR I'D COME DOWN TO THAT SUBWAY RIGHT NOW AND DRAW DOWN ON YOU ARHGHHHHHJ

Dear Founders: Constitutional Advice with JohnnySqueasel II