OK True Patriots, let's jump right in to this week's Mailbag. Don't forget to subscribe to the Citizen Warrior Newsletter. No .gov email addresses allowed. Your mileage may very prepper forever God bless our sovereign rights.
Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,
I work at a high powered law firm. Our image is everything. I drive a BMW 5x La Mans Concept and my haircut costs $400. However, sometimes when I am in the firm's bathroom, there will be a couple other lawyers in the urinals next to me. When I'm peeing, sometimes I fart (sue me (legal joke)). I can see in the faces of the men peeing next to me that they are losing respect for me when they hear/smell said farts. This is unacceptable. Can you please tell me how to fart more quietly, or, failing that, how to never have to pee in the bathroom?
None of your business
A: Dear Smartfeller (or is it Fart Smeller LOLOLOL),
Don't think for a minute I'm impressed by your fancy cars and haircuts. I have a jacked up camo jeep and get an $8 haircut from the By Your Bootstraps Youth Delinquents Program and I do JUST fine. Anyway bozo you're worried your cool coworkers are judging your sour squealers? Here is what you do - fire up a half dozen hardboileds and really BLAST ONE OUT like man in there. The key is be the cock of the fucking walk of that place. When you have to go to the can, you go in, take the urinal next to whatever prick, drop your trousers all the way to the floor and peel out your baby bird. Now take a look at the guy next to you with a sneer, say "nice cock buddy" and let that wet egg blast go out the rear. You want a thick swamp air in there - you're RUNNING THAT BATHROOM NOW. Plus with your pants all way down around your ankles, he's going to see your Inside the Waistband rigs, a pair of chub .38s, and he's going to breathe that thick miasma and hustle out worried.
Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,
My brother and I normally get along. We are both freedom loving patriots that served our country in the high school ROTC and hate government overreach. The one thing we come to disagreement over is when I download movies off the internet. He is under the opinion that it is wrong in every case. I think it is acceptable to download a movie when you find the show creators morally reprehensible. For example, last night I downloaded Batman and Robin because that movie is sick, but I chose to do it illegally because I didn't want that liberal toolbag George Clooney to make one red cent off me. My brother said I was a criminal. I told him unjust rules are broken by patriots, and called him a fascist. We came to blows and long story short, we both got kicked out of our parents' basement and he won the bunk beds in roshambo. Which one of us is correct?
A: Dear Nightman2000,
You are in for a rude awaking because turns out that is the BEST of the batmen movies. There I said it. It brings back the FUN HIJINKS of the of the Adam West version. You young nerds these days want everything super gritty and badass. Well guess what, that's EVERY DAY LIFE. Where you're stressed about your obamacares, your various illegals, the UN takeover, the Sharia Takeover, and packing every day on these mean streets full of thugs. You're attention is JACKED, on Threat Alert, scanning for Bad Guys in case you have to draw down. WELL WHY WOULD YOU WANT ANY MORE GRIT when this world is Gritty enough. Also Arnold is in that movie and he has some real classic lines like "What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!", and "Let's kick some ice!". It might be his finest acting frankly. As far as your question yes you and your brother should get a poster from the Batman and Robin movie for your dorm.
Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,
Its almost Mother's Day, which always makes me sad because I never knew my mother. She left when I was still a baby and shortly thereafter my father married another man. I love my dads and buy them both ties on Father's Day, but I can't help but get a little heart sick on Mother's Day. I've given up on finding her, but I still feel like doing something.I've decided instead of honoring my mother, I would honor the mother of my future kids. I don't have a wife or girlfriend but I do have a neighbor that is really pretty and I saw her with a book once and I think we would be perfect for one another. We've never spoken before, so I need a HUGE gesture to get her to know how serious I am and that she should be the mother of my kids. I was thinking a whole back tattoo with "MOTHER DEAREST" in old english font across the top, then a picture of my neighbor like the virgin Mary, and holding a baby that has my face. Do you have any better ideas for a back tattoo that will make her love me?
Bests,Sad Mother Lover
A: HOW DARE YOU WRITE IN YOU SICKO, WHAT'S NEXT YOU'RE GOING TO WEAR THIS LADY'S FACE? I AM CALLING YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH AND I SURE AS HELL HOPE YOUR NEIGHBOR IS PACKING!!!!1 IF SHE SEES YOU COMING SHE BETTER DRAW DOWN ARHGHGHGH