[Authors note: Is this really what my life has devolved to? Writing fanfic about Gawker? Not even a porny one, just drily informative. My plan is to write so many thousands of words that I will have a rich base of material from which to cull.]

  • What is Gawker?
  • Gawker is a website that summarizes and sarcastically annotates news items. On occasion it publishes essays, original works of journalism, as well as serving as actuator and spectator to the New York media gossip scene.
  • Do not mistakenly think that Gawker is written for the benefit of the general public, reader, a similar misconception to the belief that Facebook users are Zuckerberg's customers. Gawker in fact exists in a symbiotic relationship with the rest of the media industry and its commenters, who provide the majority of insights, laughter and pathos. You too can participate, by commenting on any site on the Kinja subdomain, which includes the entirety of Gawker Media. Until you get banned for "ironically" calling Barry Soetoro the N-word.
  • Gawker is where you come for intelligent fluff. It is not The New Yorker, The New York Times, or even New York Magazine. It is more like Reddit with HTML and more gayz.
  • How do you comment on Gawker?
  • The best option is to not comment on Gawker. Things can get pretty vicious in the threads. Alliances are formed and broken faster than high-speed computer trading. Dick pics are shared, mocked and torn apart by the human hyenas known as the commentariat. An innocent mistake could cost you your reputation or your life: in 2011, one commenter was alleged to have committed suicide by defenestration because his comment "i'm still not sure obama wasn't born in indoneesia" was replied to 356 times and attacked on points of grammar, spelling, mental health, and Tea Party membership. Don't let the falseness of this anecdote fool you: 94% of World War I veterans would rather fight the Germans again than leave another comment on Gawker.
  • The mechanical aspect of commenting on Gawker is quite simple: You press the 'discuss' button at the end of a post or click the comment icon on each reply or hit the 'reply' link on a Valleywag post, because Valleywag is weird that way. You are allowed limited HTML options that you can find on the Kinja Help site, and have 15 minutes to submit an edit to your comment. Do not change the substance of your comment if it leaves a reply without context, instead leave an addendum. Only douchebags do that shit. Do not recommend your own comment with the little star. The short-term gains are offset by the permanent damage to your dignity.
  • But really, what I want to tell you, reader, is the the spirit and energy requisite for commenting on Gawker. Every Gawker Media and Kinja subdomain has a different humor. Gawker is Snark. Deadspin, One-Liners. Lifehackers worship the God of Advice. Io9: Fandom. Jezebel: Feminist Leveling (think: RuneScape). District 12 is coal. Jalopnik is what again? Gizmodo fawns alternately over Apple and Google like a bi-polar infant, or a level-headed pair of Siamese twins. Kotaku revels in obscure video games or something, which is not a put-down, but merely