Good people of Maine, Beware of Michigan.

I've never been to Michigan but I like making generalizations based on little information and it seems to me Michigan is 4 states: 1. Detroit 2. Ann Arbor 3. Lake 4. Maine. They want to benefit from Maine's sweet, sweet Downeast charm likely for all sorts of nefarious purposes. Now I would do a fisherman in a heartbeat but there is no reason to do wholesale theft of the culture of the state.

Think I'm wrong? Let's considers some facts.

There are only two Presque Isle's worth mentioning: Maine and Michigan. You can understand why Maine is called Presque Isle—this archaic spelling of almost island seems to fit with the linguistic conventions of the area. There is a large French Canadian population that speaks a form of French that uses language that is a combination of 18th century French and English—not modern French. It's cold and remote and full of weirdness. I know. I was one of those weirdos.

But what of Presque Isle, Michigan? Where is the French influence? Aren't they just close to Lake Huron and shit? And Ontario with all their Ontarioness? This seems completely arbitrary to me and to one up Maine, they decide to have their whole county be called Presque Isle. Shenanigans.

There is a city called Portland, Michigan, like in Oregon both founded after Portland, Maine had long been a city. There is also a Lewiston, Bangor, Bedford, Augusta, Ellsworth, Farmington, and Lincoln. I bet it even smells like Lincoln, Maine. (no Caribou, Michigan, thankfully, but that's a small comfort)

This goes beyond coincidence and I suspect conspiracy, as if Michigan plans to fully invade and take over Maine and then pretend nothing happened because they've already created a Maine to take our place. It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but state style. Just you wait, you sit down to eat your lobster one day and the next, you are in some hipster loft in some place in Detroit that a jerky land developer is praying will be gentrified.

Their state animal: A buck. Looks awfully similar to a Moose. In fact, the state flag of Michigan has a Moose in it, with this whole idea that it represents their state. It doesn't. It represents Maine. It's surely a sign of annexation.

Flower: Apple Blossom. A little too similar to a Potato Blossom and maybe Blossom, played by Mayim Bialik, who may or may have not visited Michigan in the last 12 months.

Their state motto: Michigan's state motto is: "Si quaeris peninsulam amoenam, circumspice" which is Latin for "If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you." Even their state motto seems like a threat. I mean, really Michigan, can you give this shit a rest? They are referring to Presque Isle Pennisula— that symbolically annexed part of Aroostook County, Maine. And what does this saying even mean? Maine's is straight forward. Dirigo— I lead. No ambiguity. But look about you? Means watch out and the Pennisula is clearly directed to Mainers.

Finally the state song of Michigan just seems ominous:

Out loyal voices sound thy claim Upon the golden roll of fame Our loyal hands shall write the name Of Michigan, my Michigan.

Your loyal hands? Yeah, doing someone's dirty work. And you'll be writing your name of Michigan wherever you want, right? Because really, why care about Maine? Just go ahead and walk in like you own the place. I mean, it looks just like Michigan. I'll be sure to decorate my neighbor's house to look like mine and then act shocked when they show up and want me to leave.

Yeah, enjoy your cult, Michigan people but I swear if I see one of you fuckers in Maine, it's on. We will not capitulate to your demands and we will not go quietly.

WE WILL STAND UP AND FIGHT FOR OUR RIGHTS TO JUST SORT OF BE REPRESSED AND ANGRY IN THE COLD AND EAT CHOWDER.