(Here’s a last minute, disjointed write-up about the holidays, and what it’s doing to me emotionally. It was rushed, but cathartic. Warning...it may be tl;dr for some)

This will be my first Christmas without my Mom, shr passed away May 1, 2015 of pancreatic cancer.

Even before her death I hated Christmas. I have abject poverty in rural Alabama to thank for that. Even as a kid I knew all this holiday commercialization was bullshit.

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But I’m not sure how to handle this year. For the most part I’ve been able to avoid the non-stop Christmas musoc on the radio. But all the Thanksgiving, and Christmas tv shows are putting me in a sad funk.

A few weeks ago I wrote about my suicide ideations after a custody fight with my ex, and that feeling has passed(thanks everyone for the support). But I have experienced a bit of malaise these as the days til Xmas count down. New Year’s will be a bit more intense, as I’m going to miss her black eyed peas(cooking it is a Southern New Year’s tradition). And I’ll miss her corny mass texts wishing the family Happy New Year’s. Now it’s just my 3 brother’s, my Mom’s sister, and me. And all of the traditional things she made us kids participate in seem to have fallen away. Maybe next year I’ll start them up again when her passing isn’t as fresh.

And to pile on to the rest of my shitty year, I found my first gray hair 2 weeks ago. So yeah, this year’s been a real gem.

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But right now for the holidays, I just want to stay home, and find a decent Android Adventure/point & click game to play.

Anyone else experience a close loss this year? Feel free to share.