This likely isn't the best place to discuss this but I can't think of anywhere else to do so. The past few days have been quite rough and I'm at a bit of a loss. I have a paying job, a family I love, friends, a boyfriend, and yet I feel like utter crap.

Tuesday I decided, "Why don't I just give up?" And, no, not in the suicide sense. Mostly a metaphorical suicide sense. By that I mean I've lost all hope, ambition, sense of worth, and all that so I just figure I shouldn't bother trying to get any of it back. Kind of kill off the spirit and just accept where I'm at as the inevitable sort of thing.

I tried talking to friends about it but I predicted all of their responses. I told them I'm just not good enough at anything to ever find a passion for a career. That I can't think of anything in the world I'd want to be. Or that I just have nothing left to try for. They said I'm plenty good at stuff and that if I just wait and see something will come along. That I'm young so I should be out having fun instead of worrying about all that mess. But even if they are right, I can't accept that because inside I still feel like a empty, worthless, useless, futureless loser. I have a ton of guilt over every little thing- including feeling bad. Friends of mine have started off on courses to pursue their own dreams and I can barely feel happy for them. One had an interview for a part time gig doing exactly what he wants to eventually do and that was merely a week after graduating. It's almost like I can see them setting sail while I'm sitting in a tiny dingy that's stuck at the dock.

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Truthfully I've never felt this way before. I've had breakdowns due to stress because I'm terrible at dealing with it but those usually resolved after a few days when I see how silly I was to bottle it up. This past week something just set me off that caused me to spiral lower than ever. I don't even know what that thing was. It's just sort of like a light bulb clicked off in my brain. The past couple years I've been down and whatnot but now it's just ramped up to 11. I have no energy and I can barely focus. I looked up the symptoms of clinical depression and I seem to have most of them so I'm Dr. Internet guessing that's what it could be. I mean, yesterday I lost track of how many times I hid in the bathroom because I felt like I was going to cry. This morning I went to pee and ended up staying in there for at least 10 minutes trying not to cry. I've always been a strong person but now I can barely drag myself out of bed unless I just slip into Autopilot mode.

I guess I should have seen that the past couple years were going to lead up to this but I guess I just sort of hoped things would get better. I tried doing the things I liked to do but now I just lose focus or don't have the energy to do them so I either don't bother or give up. I've tried vacations but knowing I have to return to the "real" world never lets me truly enjoy them. My past experiences with letting things get out of hand never worked so I guess that should have been the sign. For a guy who likes puzzles I kinda should have pieced this one together a lot faster.

So I just don't know what to do now. I mean, I've considered the doctor but I only have a year left on my current, decent insurance. After that I have to take the bare bones plan offered through my workplace which may not cover what I need and I know I'd have to change hospitals. Plus it'd mean another reason to have to stay working where I'm unhappy because I'd need that insurance. Though I feel like it's the only option I have left.

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Anyway, I mostly needed to get everything in words and into the void. I've tried multiple times to just put it down on paper and stuff it away but it hasn't helped so I guess I figured I'd subject everyone to this downer on a Thursday.

ETA: I've finally pushed myself to call the hospital's psychiatry department. The people who evaluate the first timers had left so I'm calling in sick tomorrow to wait for the call back. Plus I guess I'm technically sick so that's what sick days are for.