I'm Grand Chief Seargant, Jeff Coswell. If that title sounds made up, well, it might be. I really don't know. In fact none of us knows. I've been here the longest so I guess I'm kind of in charge.

We've been having a rough time with our force lately. We had an officer get drunk and shoot some random person 6 times. I also keep sending a team of officers to this family's house to arrest someone. The problem is that he's been dead for 8 years. 8 years! How am I supposed to remember that? I have too much on my plate as it is, what with the lawsuits and the "internal investigations". Don't even get me started on that stupid Twitter thing.

It's not our fault. There is no one here to train us properly so I had to do it. The only materials I had were the first 2 Police Academy movies and season 5 of COPS. I just give them copies of those and tell them to watch it in their spare time. They have until I finished carving their name into their badge to finish watching. After that, I give them their badge and a handgun of their choice. Well, not really their choice since they have to pick what's left in our gun room which doubles as an evidence locker.

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Just remember, when the NYPD is goes to the wrong house for an arrest warrant, or shoots a homeless man for "threats", it's not racism, just good ol' fashioned incompetence. Except for Stop & Frisk. That's racism.