Sometimes I feel like I have a biological imperative to find really cute overpriced shit and put their pictures on Pinterest, all cropped asymmetrically at interesting angles with washed-out colors of a Cape Cod Summer Home. I can't help it. I suspect my ovaries might be up to no good and forcing this shit upon me. Fucking ovaries.

Nothing gets to me more than fucking Easter shit. Not with Jesus but with bunnies and chicks and goddamned fucking Victorian inspired pictures and lettering. Damnit, it makes me wish was could just step into the Five Little Peppers and How they Grew and talk about fucking bunnies. Now as a jerk who lives on the Main Line with my Apple Products and my overpriced leather riding boot collection, I find no greater satisfaction than to look at Williams-Sonoma's Easter Collection. My fucking God. It's the fucking mother lode. I also think it's hilarious that the website has a section called "Agrarian." I love how you play into how much of a pretentious bastard I am.

First of all, let's consider this entire picture:

Look at this fucking adorable Easter Shit

How fucking adorable is this? Look at that tablecloth. With the bunny? It's all washed out and elegant looking with that Martha Stewart-like teal that I naturally gravitate towards? Then the perfectly colored eggs as if your fucking kids will sit around and make a bunch of subtle pastel eggs, instead of your type A, over ambitious ass. Then the bunny cups. The fucking bunny cups. Get me my credit card.

And now look at these Vintage Inspired Easter Plates:

Look at this fucking adorable Easter Shit

I have spent many afternoons trying to resist the urge to buy them. I know. I live alone. All I do is procrastinate from the mountains of fucking work but if I just bought them, I'd have just a fucking taste of that sweet upper middle class housewife and mother that holds all those dinner parties where I go and feel inadequate. That talks about her kids and their music lessons and soccer games and she is so clean and organized, like an adult, even though she is probably at least 8 years younger than me. That does triathlons on the side. Fuck. She'd have those plates. I could eat them with my fucking burritos. You know, the ones that aren't entirely thawed out because who wants to wait for that shit? I'm hungry now.

And look at this shit:

Look at this fucking adorable Easter Shit

Personalized fucking animal cookies (3 for 25 dollars—what a bargain). They are adorable. Perfectly whimsical. They have that look of perfectly home-made and artfully imperfect that I can't achieve. Mine look more like I'm a 5 year old who has no artistic talent at all. ENJOY YOUR BLOBS, Kyle and Alana. Tell your parents about your disappointment. I already know.

And if I wanted to step it up, LOOK AT THIS SHIT. Who's the alpha now? HUH? Look at this fucking cake. FEEL MY WRATH. THIS IS THE VERY FACE OF GOD. Damnit, with the carrots and all. So fucking adorable.I can barely stand it. I just want to crush that little bunnies cake head, I love it so much. And the carrots in the ground too. You can't ignore those types of details. Like seriously.

Look at this fucking adorable Easter Shit

There is so much to the fucking Easter Collection. I can't even begin to write about it all but fuck, I just want to incorporate this shit into my very essence of being. God, I need a cigarette.