BLOOMINGTON, IN—Speaking loudly and quickly without any notable pauses, a team of manic researchers at Indiana University announced at a press conference Wednesday that they are mere hours away from a permanent cure for depression.
The wide-eyed, unblinking scientists, who paced back and forth along the podium while nodding their heads vigorously, told the assembled press corps that after they rounded up several hundred test subjects and carried out multiple clinical trials, they expected to have a fully effective treatment for the mood disorder ready by this evening.
"Depression is a serious and complex mental illness, but there's no reason we can't solve it tonight—there's nothing holding us back," said head researcher Dr. Gavin Rowe, trembling euphorically as he mentioned that he felt "unstoppable" and had been working on the problem for the past 49 hours straight. "We'll just run a few experiments in the next half hour, develop a medication, nail down some dosages, and get rid of depression once and for all. That's it. Christ, we're finally thinking clearly!"
Punctuating their statements with broad, forceful gestures, the scientists explained that they were now making "15 or 20 medical breakthroughs a minute" and had written more than 350 pages of an academic paper during the morning that they intended to submit for publication immediately.
Moreover, the researchers vowed to conduct a randomized double-blind study right then and there on stage, noting multiple times under their breath that "it's all so simple."
"This research is basically doing itself—it's not even hard," said neurologist Deborah Franks, emitting an abrupt and ebullient peal of laughter before quickly returning to her explanation of how the research team was on the brink of eradicating an illness that has stymied medical science for centuries. "Sure, identifying the neural underpinnings of a major mental disorder is a bit of a challenge, but at the rate we're flying through this research, that's nothing, nothing at all. That'll take five minutes."
"By this time tomorrow, clinical depression will be completely gone," Franks continued. "Atypical depression, postpartum depression, seasonal depression—we'll cure all of those. My God, we're so close! We're on fire and nothing can ever stop us!"