The first time HomeyHeart and I saw an ad for the new Rosemary's Baby miniseries, starring Zoe Saldana, this was the conversation:

(Ad on TV)

Me: (Happy gasp, which turned into a groan)

Homey: You know you're going to watch it.

Me: I know but I'm not going to like it. There's no way it's going to be good.

Homey: Then why watch it?!

Me: Shut up! Don't tell me what to do! I am going to watch it and I am going to bitch about it and you can't stop me!

Advertisement

That pretty much sums up my feelings about this reboot. Chances are very good that it's going to be terrible but I won't be able to not watch.

It might not even be that bad but the original is so dang good. I have a deep, abiding love for that film that cannot be shaken and it's all because of my mom.

When I was 10, a friend was spending the night and we forced my mom to take us to the video rental place (remember that? going out to rent movies?). After searching for half an hour, while my poor mom waited, we'd still come up with nothing to take home.

Advertisement

My mom, exasperated at just standing around while we giggled our way up and down the rental store aisles, finally asked us what we wanted to watch. "Something scary!" my friend said. "Yeah," I added, "Scary like Jason or Freddy!"

My mom replied, "That's not scary. You want to see something really scary?"

"Yeah!" We couldn't imagine what could possibly be scarier than Jason or Freddy. She handed us the original Rosemary's Baby, with the creepy green cover.

We talked about it as the film started. "This movie looks old. They didn't even make really scary movies back then." But we kept watching.

My friend fell asleep quickly, but I sat up, trying to make sense of the dream sequence (if you've seen the film, you know what I'm talking about): the Kennedys, the devil, nudity. Vulnerable Mia Farrow, with the short, short hair and the big, big eyes.

Advertisement

What the hell was going on?! I stayed up late that night, later than normal on a sleepover night, thinking about that movie and what all the stuff I'd just seen meant.

Thanks to my mother's impatience at the video store, and her willingness to subject her 10-year-old to the awesome horror of this move, I've been obsessed ever since. I've read the book, I watch the movie once a year, I quote it all the time ("This is no dream! This is really happening!" and "You're in Dubrovnik; I can't hear you"), I regularly check Etsy for "Rosemary's Baby Necklace" listings. Hell, I've even read the horrible sequel to the book.

And, of course I'll watch this newest iteration. But I won't like it.

How about y'all? Is anyone else going to watch this thing? Is there anyway in hell it'll actually be good?

Advertisement