YACOLT, WA – Sixty-five-year-old Glen Sanders, a currently divorced deer enthusiast and former woodworking teacher, gave a helping hand to 19-year-old Whitney Mason-Shields when he cleared the coffee cup from her nearby table simply out of the kindness of his heart, expecting nothing in return.
"She was reading her Advanced Microbiology book and sipping on her venti coffee latte, for what, gosh, at least two hours and forty-five minutes," Sanders said, recalling the moments before he performed the act of kindness for the young, conventionally-attractive woman, himself having no ulterior motives he could think of. "I realized I needed to get back to my plants at home just as she was starting to get up. It was fate really that we ran into each other."
After Mason-Shields rose to leave, cafe patrons looked on as the labyrinthine path Sanders had to take through the chairs fortuitously arrived at Mason-Shields's table. Without a single selfish bone in his body, one of his bristly hands came to rest on her shoulder while the other took hold of the small, empty porcelain cup. Witnesses heard Sanders say "here, let me get that for you" with a tenderness in his voice that is so nice to show someone every now and again, not macho or anything, just polite chivalry that no one seems to think about anymore, as he put it.
"I wasn't expecting any help," Mason-Shields later stated, understandably still stunned by the overwhelming kindness shown by a man who's only goal at that moment was to do a good deed, simply because he could tell she was a beautiful personality who by all accounts took great care of her body and would likely make a great wife—though none of that mattered to him personally. "It was just a cup," she added, "and I was like a foot away from the counter."
After initially attempting to refuse the favor, witnesses say Mason-Shields thanked Sanders, zipped her hoodie up to the neck, and began making her way towards the exit. Standing near the bin of dirty dishes, Sanders decided to keep their casual, nothing-serious-yet conversation going in the hope of exuding as much of his signature Sanders hospitality as he could for the young woman whom he may have taught years before but probably didn't since the chances of that happening aren't that high if you actually think about it but even if he did teach her why would that matter when they're just chatting like friends and that's not something to really worry about?
"So you're in college."
"Yup," Mason-Shields replied as she turned around, clearly still elated from the good Samaritan's service.
"You know, I was thinking of finally going to college myself as it turns out."
"Yeah, but with the empty house, the chores and now this mesothelioma—"
"I'm so sorry, sir, but my ride's waiting for me outside, so I can't actually stay..."
"No, of course not! Of course not. What am I thinking. Just helping out, that's all. It's always nice to see a new doe around here."
"A new doe-eyed girl, that's what I meant to say. Slip of my tongue. You have such beautiful wide brown eyes. I'm sure your mother came from good stock."
"Ummm...actually my mother's dead."
"Oh, I'm very sad to hear that."
As Mason-Shields exited outside—likely to escape the aura of good tidings from Sanders that at times could be too much to handle—he watched her open the passenger side door of a 2010 gray Nissan Altima. He noted the details and license plate in case anything happened to her (getting stranded on the road for example) and another opportunity to perform a good deed should present itself. As he looked on at the recipient of his generosity, he could see Mason-Shields lean across her seat, extend her arms, and for approximately ten seconds passionately embrace her driver who as it turned out also happened to be a female. Shortly thereafter the car started up, and the two drove down the highway out of sight.
Quietly, Sanders stood murmuring what sounded like profanities and the name of his ex wife under his breath for quite some time. It was around closing when he returned to his seat, picked up his copy of Deer Herds Monthly and stormed out of the establishment. Witnesses claim he forgot to clear his table.