Step 1: Realize it could be my back problem fucking with me again. Take the super strong anti-inflammatory my doctor gave me for this purpose.

If this doesn't work:

Step 2: Realize it could be a panic attack. Take the Xanax my doctor gave me for this purpose.

If this doesn't work:

Step 3: Get Rome Girl to put the prescription pain killing gel on me that my doctor prescribed for this purpose.

If this doesn't work:

Step 4: Drink half a beer. Burp. Have pain immediately go away. Realize it was just really bad heartburn.