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Robot Santa Claus is Now Real

Illustration for article titled Robot Santa Claus is Now Real

Forget Santa. Google is keeping all the lists of naughty and nice this year. Probably. Maybe.


As everyone by now knows, in the future Santa will not be white or black. He will be evil and aluminum.

As everyone also knows, the future is Google.

Reading the news today of Google's purchase of military robotics contractor Boston Dynamics, did you find yourself wondering why Google needs a 6 foot tall humanoid robot that can walk over rough terrain or a huge 4 legged one that can lift and throw heavy objects right before Christmas?


Ho ho ho boys and girls. It's Robot Santa Claus. Either that, or they want to delve further into machine learning, as some randos assert.

But let's go with Robot Santa.

Next week, when the good little boys and girls go to sleep dreaming of razor scooters and Lego sets, an army of Santas and "reindeer" will go about their task. Tireless, strong and needing no sleep, they will travel over asphalt, unpaved roads, rubble of war zones to deliver that blue-eyed doll and slightly traumatized and lightly bruised puppy.


And how does Robot Santa know whose been a good boy or girl?

That's where all that data collection Google does comes in. All those phone numbers and emails sucked up and stored in Google's servers. All those photos of your house. The GPS satellites, the passwords and the browsing histories.


Oh, the browsing histories. Doing Google searches for obscure fetishes involving circle twerking? Have the cell number of the local pusherman in your Android address book?

Maybe you should rethink that.

Back in 2009, Google CEO Eric Schmidt said it best:

"If you have something that you don't want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place."


Because come Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is coming to town.

Photo via 20th Century Fox

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