Written in Ink

How To Not Go To Prison For Killing Your Child

A really bitter lawyer provides hilarious advice on how to make sure you never get charged with killing your toddler.

Sample advice:

"Clear your browsing history.

The fact that you didn't think about this shows how unprepared you are to raise teenagers. Still, it's no excuse for killing your baby.

Also, it may be better not to COMPLETELY clear the browsing history, which looks almost as damning. Make sure you leave in some links to some really weird sex sites, so as not to arouse suspicion."



"Write your eulogy as though you were not speaking from your maniacal killer side.

With the whole world watching, with what you might call well-earned suspicion, the mother said, "Would I bring him back? No. Bringing him back into this selfish world would be selfish."

Choosing not to bring him back is acceptable if doing so involves some demon spell that makes him a demon and/or brings a 1000 year blight onto the world. Otherwise, saying you wouldn't do it suggests you're a homicidal maniac. You have to imagine what a non-homicidal mother would say, and say that instead."


"Don't let your spouse murder your baby.

You might have suspicions that your spouse is planning to murder your baby.

These suspicions can have a variety of causes, such as:

a) Joint discussions hatching plans about how to murder your baby

b) Mutual online efforts researching methods of baby murder

c) Breakfast ended with "Honey, I'm going to murder our baby today."

You should act on those clues. It could prevent you from getting charged, or even becoming a pariah."


What makes this article great is at the end he goes into a very clever rant about how being a lawyer has just made him hate and distrust pretty much everyone in the world.

"It wasn't until I was a lawyer, and foisted not only into positions of confidence and secrecy, but also into situations where I was an objective third party, that this (positive) worldview was disrupted. A lot of people are evil. Really, seriously evil. And the ones we hear about in the news generate a false sense of security about evil people, because these are the ones who get caught, and they get caught because they're hilariously stupid."


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