Written in Ink
Written in Ink
Illustration for article titled Area Man Skips Over 729 Comments, Adds Final Thread to End Argument

VANCOUVER, WA—Armed with the precious treasure of real world wisdom and 'just-getting' it, local grocery store assistant manager Jake Thompson, 31, has found a more efficient manner of conveying his no-nonsense logic and harsh-but-not-too-harsh personal attacks within a variety of discussions on internet fora. "When I got home I saw something about women's issues," said the pale-skinned, slight Thompson, who's known among friends as 'the thinker,' generally having partially formed opinions about most current topics. "There was a whole lot of other stuff that people had put underneath the main part on that one," Thompson went on, "so I just told the girl writing it that sometimes they all need to think about what men need, too, because we're working hard as shit and what she's saying was basically reverse sexism. I don't know why she wrote a whole story about it. Oh, and then I called her a spawn of Satan." After taking this unprecedented rogue action of bypassing all other conversations to cement his unique and irreproachable point of view on the online web log, Thompson is reported to have closed that particular tab satisfied and switched to his preferred private mode for a viewing of porn selections before finally joining his mother upstairs for dinner. Asked if he ever peruses other commenters' threads first before providing his ineffable gems of pure sagacity for the masses, Thompson replied, "no, why would I do that? None of them have any idea what they're talking about."


At press time the author of the post in question had not responded to our request for comment, but sources claimed she could not stop shaking her head while endlessly mumbling 'I literally can't right now.'

(Image via Superstock)

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