Written in Ink

Big Night - Heems played live and I embarrassed myself

"I've referred to Das Racist as a project to turn white guilt into money," the group's co-frontman Himanshu Suri said. He's kidding. Mostly. Maybe.

- August Brown

That drone cool, but I hate that drone

Chocolate chip cookie dough in a sugar cone

Drones in the morning, drones in the night

I'm trying to find a pretty drone to take home tonight

- Soup Boys

Tonight was the high point of this month for me. Heems from Das Racist came visiting to Bangalore at the very end of his Asia tour.


For those who came in late: Das Racist were among the latest wave of 'backpack'/amateur (as opposed to gangster) rap from NY in the wake of Kanye. After their breakup, Heems formed his own label & has been releasing mixtapes. His latest single is a collaboration with Rizwan Ahmed (from Four Lions, etc.) as Swetshop Boys called 'Benny Lava', after the famous misheard lyric.

Heems had performed in Bombay last night so I can't fault him for being washed out after travelling for so long nonstop. Still, he knew how to pull the crowd in. Props to him for having an impeccable performance ethic. He played some old tracks, a medley of hits, a reworking of his verse from Benny Lava on a moombahton/dancehall riddim, that track diplo produced, two very spaced out tracks entirely played on a mic with delay (favorite moment - growling on the delay mic. so crunkcore) and ended with a new track called Al Qaedha.

I felt fate conspiring when I left home. My scooter kept shutting down in traffic. I had only reached the center of the city from my place in the suburbs when another round of tropical showers let loose. More time lost, more sputtering from the scooter and a mostly wet me. I dried down while pre-gaming with friends.

I talked to him after the gig about the lack of good weed in North India (you get hash. For the good weed, you must come south of the Vindhyas). There is a side of me which is very uncool and more suited to classic rock era than today's indie scene. I wanted to do what Wayne is doing here.


This is still funny. In my mind, I am the mutant offspring of Dolores Claiborne and Anne Wilkes in such moments.


Anyway, I forgot to bring some kush to the gig and he was tired and out-of-time to come chill with random fan in the suburbs of a city he had never visited before. I embarrassed myself by being insistent (by thinking that I could take control, which is why I fail at relationships too) in front of a gang of people he was chilling with. I left as soon as I felt I was being a drag.

I am not embarrassed about being embarrassed anymore. Due to an event in my early twenties, I spent my late twenties avoiding any risk, any social engagement that could spin out of control - basically, I committed social suicide. I feel like shit about tonight, but a proud shithead. Atleast I didn't wimp out.


I might be uncool, I might make it obvious how much some artist or girl means to me, I am probably wrong in thinking of him/her as 'better' than me - but I am done apologizing for what love makes me do. I understand how fragile this facade of urban chilling is and I don't wanna rock the boat but I do want people I love to know that I am the party.

If you can't tell I am an emo kid, here's a headless selfie. Sorry about the no res, no scope webcam which made me step out of the room. I am now going to smoke a joint alone & go to sleep. You guise know how much I love you, especially when drugged, but you need to know I've become confident and outgoing thanks to the sense of belonging I get on Crosstalk and Clashtalk.


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