Written in Ink
Written in Ink
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Croquet: The True Sport of Kings

Illustration for article titled Croquet: The True Sport of Kings

So on the mainpage (you guess which one I mean) yesterday's sponsored ad laid out summer lawn games. That's fine. I happen to love summer lawn games. In fact, it's the one of the three parts of summer I enjoy because it pairs well with drinking outside, which happens to be my favorite activity. The other two parts are bonfires and concerts mainly because, you guessed it, drinking outside.


But I'm getting past the point here which is this: while the list included such crucial games as Bocci, ladder golf, and the out-of-fashion-because-its-could-kill-you lawn darts, it was missing one crucial summer game which dominates all of the other summer lawn games. A game of skill, patience, and grace unmatched by all other ball-based sports.

I of course speak of Croquet.

Croquet is, for those who have never played it, the greatest of all of the mallet sports and possibly the greatest game involving balls, lawns, and strategic hitting through tiny gates. A bold assertion? You just shut your mouth. Because Croquet is the greatest lawn game. Anyone who says otherwise is a dumb-faced liar who should just stay inside and leave summer to people who know how to have classy, drunk fun.


But the rules, you say. The rules! So confusing! I know. It's an English game. And while all English games are regimented that doesn't mean that the rules make any goddamn sense. That's why Croquet is the best. Are there turns? Of course there are! But you aren't penalized for going out of turn. And the color of your ball determines when your turn is. What's more English than that!

Not to mention you get a giant fucking hammer which looks like a gavel. It's like you're the judge and jury of the lawn in which you play. It also leads to a detente to future hostilities as all players have a hammer and thus ensures a peaceful game. Unlike lawn darts which basically gives you a javelin and encourages the inner hoplite in all of us or ladder golf which gives you a double-sided sling in which to David the shit out of somebody's face.


But what I say is that you should have fun with Croquet. Play around with it. The rules say you don't have to have a "perfectly" manicured lawn in which to play so don't worry about a perfect pitch. Also, the rules don't exactly specify about obstacles. Why not make yourself a Croquet mini-golf set up complete with windmill and wrecked pirate ship? Surely you'll need drink stations for that next beer or to freshen up your cocktail. Snacks and barbecued foods are a must. I personally enjoy a game that spans across two or three lawns to make it a truly epic time in which drunken revelry is had and the game never really quite finishes. Breaks and/or player substitutions are encouraged. As far as dress goes, why not have fun with that too?

No furries, though. Don't you fucking ruin Croquet with furries.

So I hope you enjoyed my ode to the Sport of Kings. I hope it inspires you to take up the mallet!

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