Written in Ink
Written in Ink

Dear Founders: Constitutional Advice with Islamic State

Attention dogs and infidels, the account of Kinja commenter "Johnny Squeasel" is now under control of the Islamic State Caliphate (formerly ISIS). We have taken his account as a message to other commenters: with God on our side we well control the all of the Kinja blogging platform just as we will take the countries of Syria and Iraq.


Mr. Squeasel represents the toxic Western depravity whos influence we will purge from the Middle East and Kinja. However, the Islamic State has every intention of continuing his popular column. Let us check reader questions:

Dear JohnnySqueasel,

I'm from a dry state and recently moved to Louisiana for work. I'm having a great time and enjoying the outdoor life style of hiking and hunting, but the humidity is a real killer. I wake up in the morning and by 9 AM I'm drenched in sweat. The worst part is the swamp ass. Its like I'm standing in a hot bog up to my crotch its so wet. My balls, taint, and bung hole are slick as a whistle and then I'll come into an air-conditioned building and it dries up and I chafe something fierce. I don't really know what to do about it to feel more comfortable. I don't normally wear underwear because I like to let my yams hang, and also they seem to ride up my ass every time. Any advice would be appreciated.



Soggy Ass Dad


We do not appreciate your language and are disheartened that a man such as yourself is a father. Wear loose clothing.


Dear JohnnySqueazel,

I'm thinking about getting a quad, what is your favorite brand for taking on trails?



Samantha Howards

Mr. Howards,

Firstly we recommend changing your first name as most people would mistake it for a woman's name. You also did not give us proper information on what this quad would be used for. Transporting people you would be far better suited with a Land Rover or Mercedes sports utility vehicle. For recon we prefer the ruggedness of the Honda TRX 680. However the make of the vehicle is meaningless, it is the righteousness of your mission that matters. We find your question, and most all questions posed to Mr. Squeasel, quite foolish.


Mr. Squeasel,

What are some of the benefits of joining the Islamic State Caliphate?


Good Kinja Commenter

Excellent question! Besides the satisfaction of knowing that you are a tool for God's will upon the Earth, your commitment to the cause will mean that you will not be executed when we inevitably conquer your lands. It would be the smart, pious decision to join the Islamic State, and to surrender your passwords to your Kinja accounts in the comment section below.


God is great!

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