Alright cowboys, Let's get into this week's Mailbag. Don't forget to subscribe to the Citizen Warrior Newsletter. No .gov email addresses allowed. Your mileage may very prepper forever God bless our sovereign rights.
Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,
My husband says 8 is too young for our son to have his first crossbow. I countered that the crossbow is child-sized and only has a 20 pound pull. Look, I do my best as a mother to prepare for the worst for her family. My preserves shelter has 500 cans of spaghetti-o's, gallons of iodine for purifying water, boxes of ammunition, and pairs of overalls in ALL sizes that my kids can wear as they grow up, and my husband and I can wear if we turn into Hulk-like monsters. I don't want my son to be defenseless if for some reason I'm not there to protect him, isn't a crossbow the most practical gift for his birthday? I'm also considering a .22.
A: Dear Mr. Hoobastank,
That's smart, lots of coveralls. I am wearing my RealTech SwampMesh Cammie Overalls right now as I type this on my Compaq on the back porch. Look if you're going to get a crossbow, go all they way and get this kid a .45. He's gotta grow up some day. Get him some rabbits, have him name them and raise them for a few weeks, then teach him how to shoot and processes those bunnies. Kid's gunna cry but when Shit hits the Fan you can't eat TEARS FOR DINNER. He gets hungry enough he'll eat that rabbit saddle even if it belonged to Mr. Plumpers.
Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,
My neighbor's dog is driving me crazy. At night it barks at every car and shadow, and it wakes up my baby. During the day when his owner is home, he sits by the sidewalk like a fucking sphinx and acts like he owns the block. I swear to god, if you could see the smug look on this dog's face you would draw down on him on the spot. He is always around because his owner is a veteran that was wounded in Afghanistan and now he needs this stupid dog to help him out for whatever reason. I'm usually at home too because I'm a novelist. Because of your weekly column I am well aware of my rights: if the dog steps foot on my property, I am within my rights to blow his dumb head off. I've tried to bait him with dog food, wet dog food, STEAKS NICER THAN I EAT, and that dog still sits there like a statue. Do you know of any better bait to get this monster on my lawn?
Raging Against Bad Idiot Dog
A: Dear Idiotdawg,
This is a real problem and you definitely gotta drawn down and light up this dog. For all you know this dog could have come back with your neighbor from Afghanistan and be a taliban dog. First up you're going to want to find a pakistani restaurant of some sort, get a plate of GOBBAGOUL or whatever right - heavy curry, heavy meat. So you're eating on the lawn, and maybe you go inside for a second. That's not baiting, not to the sheriff. This taliban dog is going to saunter RIGHT up to that bowl of brown and tuck right in. That's when you pop out, FULL GHILLIE SUIT with your lawn trimmings on it - nope that wasn't a lump in the lawn, it was a bold American Man protecting his Land. You draw down on that dog and game over. Tell that neighbor to get a companion ferret or something quiet if he needs a Bad Dream Buddy - that's not your problem.
Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,
A lot of bad news today for anyone who supports traditional marriage. Last week they gay media at ESPN was ramming it down our throats by showing football players having weird gay cake sex in front of my wife and children, today, Utah announced it would have to honor the marriages already performed in their state, and Pennsylvania overturned its ban. Its almost too much. I tried to get my mind off of it by taking my kids to Captain America: Winter Soldier for some good old American fun, but was severely disappointed. Captain America's uniform was so tight you could practically see his unit through the whole movie. It was in your face the whole time so I really couldn't focus on anything else. Plus, he and Bucky had too many scenes where it looked like they were about to kiss each other. What is a pro-marriage guy like me supposed to do to fight back against they gay agenda in the media, football, Hollywood, my mailman's shorts, and activist judges?
Too much Shoved Down My Throat
A: Dear Knobgobbler,
Look I am anti gay marriage. Because guess what, if there was no damned gay marriage, my two butch gay dads would NOT have gotten divorced and fucking RUINED my 4th year at the Junior College. BUT HERE IS THE DEAL BRO, BUCKWALTER AND CAPTAIN AMERICA'S LOVE IS AS PURE AS THEIR LOVE FOR AMERICA IN WW2. THEY ARE JUST TWO JACKED DUDES SPINNING THROUGH THIS WAKING LIFE LOOKING FOR LOVE. YOU DONT LIKE IT BECAUSE MAYBE IT MAKES YOUR CHARLIE BROWNS TUMESCENT? TOUGH TATTIES BRO, THAT'S YOUR BURDEN. HOW DARE YOU WRITE IN WITH THIS TRASH YOU DOOFUS, YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE NOT HERE RIGHT NOW OR I'D DRAW DOWN ON YOU RIGHT NOW ARHFHHGHH!!!1