Alright Warrior Spirits,

I got Darryl to hack my Sidekick so it can get Twitter. If you didn't have a dad or something like that and are just a slug indoor kid and need someone to set you straight and teach you how to be a he-man or she-man, follow my tweeters @JohnnySqueasel.

Let's get into this week's Mail Sack. Don't forget to subscribe to the Citizen Warrior Newsletter. No .gov email addresses allowed. Your mileage may very prepper forever God bless our sovereign rights.

Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

I've got an issue with my boyfriend Jayden. He was accepted into Grad School, and I agreed to move with him, even though we haven't lived together before. I would continue working the whole time and paying for everything while he just goes to class. He says this is completely fair because "money will be no big deal" once he graduates. I am worried I am just floating his expenses and cooking his dinners! What do I do?



Samantha Pierpan

A: Dear Peterpan,

Jayden sounds like a real punk. Grad school is a whole scam to get people to make tea for their lib professors while the grad students do all the work. The profs just suck the marrow from the grad students bones until they're withered cripples. But the real issue I figure is your boyfriend has a gambling problem and isn't even in a grad school. First get a burner phone from walmart. Call your boyfriend and leave a scrambled voicemail where you go YOU HAVE ONE WEEK TO PAY US THE MONEY OR ELSE. Then watch closely. IF he gets terrible sleep and seems all stressed out, he's guilty. This is basically like the witch tests from Olde Timey Salem. Those worked. Proof? No witches now. Anyway if he seems spooked or weird or stressed or anything, then you BREAK UP WITH HIM and tell him he should get a degree in the school of hardknocks (prison) where he can get a free ride (on the state) and free food at the dining commons (prison loaf). Tell him to pound sand.


Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

Big fan of yours, you are a professional inspiration. I also have an advice column for the Victor County Tribune in Kentucky called, "Fix Your Dumb Head With Doctor Hog." I give out psychological advice and conservative wisdom weekly to my readers, but recently I got a letter from the State Attorney's Office telling me I could no longer give advice as I am not a licensed psychologist in the state of Kentucky for reasons not related to the kidnapping charges I was acquitted of in 2003. Clearly this is a case of government censoring me, they can't handle the truth I'm spreading. I'm ready sue the government for trampling first amendment rights, would you support me in this case? Again, big fan.


Dr. Cornelius Redford Hog

A: Hey Doc,

I have an honorary doctorate in nutraceuticals sales myself from GNC University, so don't get all sassy about being a brain shrinker. I'd take the fight, OPEN CARRY AR-15, to the state court house, and plead your case to the local tyrants passionately and angrily. If they don't budge, just change your column to a Tea Party Prayer type situation - conservative wisdom that MAY cure a lib's doughy mind.


Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

I have a constitutional puzzler for you. I was recently at the movies watching How to Train Your Dragon 2 with my son, and because this is an AMC theater and they tell you not to, I did not bring my concealed carry weapon with me. 15 minutes into the movie this clearly drunk man started yelling and howling like the dragons scared him (they aren't supposed to be scary!) so I told him to please be quiet. This made him really angry, so he got out of his seat and stood over me and asked me if I wanted to take it outside. I said yes, so we went into the lobby and wrestled on the floor until he over powered me and put his finger in my mouth like a fish hook until ushers came and broke us up. My son watched crying the whole time. Clearly if I had my gun this situation would have went down a lot differently. I'm going to take my son to the theater again this weekend to see Transformers 4, and I was wondering if it was okay to exercise my 2nd amendment right even though it is against the rules of the AMC theater. I don't want my son to have to see me like that again.

Thank you in advance,

Gun Daddy

Look GuntDaddy,

Yeah the AMC does not trump STATE LAW. You can carry in there probably. If your life is at stake you can DRAW DOWN. Here is the thing though, this badass that put his fingers in your mouth showed your son you're a big adult baby. You need to get that Dojo time in immediately. One time I didn't bring my gun to the post office. A dirtbag type came in hollering about how many stamps to mail a dirty diaper to Sacramento and waving his scaly whiteboy dreads in my face. Well I gave him a proper E. HONDA slap - sumo style. DEEP HORSE STANCE - BAM - right in the kisser. He cried out, hit the deck, and crawled out of there. I gave him one short dropkick in the bhole with my lizard skin cowboy boot for good measure and was roundly applauded by the postal staff. Cops picked up that joker for a few other offenses. They gave me a citation too but I didn't pay it.