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​ Dear Founders: Constitutional Advice with JohnnySqueasel XI

Alright Patriots and Patriettes,

Don't forget you can follow my many adventures at @JohnnySqueasel.

Let's get into this week's Mail Sack. Don't forget to subscribe to the Citizen Warrior Newsletter. No .gov email addresses allowed. Your mileage may very prepper forever God bless our sovereign rights.

Illustration for article titled ​ Dear Founders: Constitutional Advice with JohnnySqueasel XI

Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

I met a guy at the mall in Orlando who said I don't actually have to pay taxes because income taxes because paper money is not redeemable in specie and therefore is not legitimate currency and the IRS is not a legitimate government entity. Is this true? I already gave him $95 for a book on the subject but it's super hard to read.


Grover Beantree

A: Hey Groveler,

Look I haven't paid taxes in years and years due to my many cash businesses and the fact that I don't have an address. Also, a hoodoo charm from Bone Doctor Twilight (from better times before he turned on me) means the Revenue Boys can't find me in the swamps. On the one hand gold is real money and these Internet Digital Credits are are just numbers for SHADOW BANKERS in NEW YORK SHITTY to move at their discretion. All I know is a personal hero of mine (Wesley Snipes) got his ass handed to with him for one little tax misadventure. The IRS is probably all racists and reverse racists and what have you - hard to keep track in this Post-Racial America but I do know they're Fascists and evil at the very least. Change your money into gold, sell your house and buy an RV and buy some pinball machines for rev. and blend in and disappear.


Q: Dear John S,

What are the five movies you'd take on a desert island?

Leslie Espinoza

A: Dear Lesleigh,





4. SPARTACUS (the TV Show, all of it)

5. CHAINED HEAT (better than Orange is the New Black)

Q: Dear Mister Squeasel,

What do I do if the mailman is possibly sleeping my wife?

Melvin Nudlemann

Look Noodleman,

I know you want advice on how to lure the guy in into your house to draw down on him but you nerds don't know how many surprises I'm full of. Anyway that's not the answer here. The answer is you're a loser and your wife doesn't like you. You should just pack up and go. Spend 6 months on a crab boat in Alaska to turn into a man (grow a big beard too). Wait before you do, mail a big box of DOG SHIT to the post office - but that's more about the Federal Government overstepping, not this one post man. Anyway don't be a little wuss, go on an adventure and become a man and maybe it won't happen again. Also if she makes more with you maybe you'll get alimony or something, a little silver lining.


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