Alright Gator Baiter Boys, Let's get into this week's Mail Sack. Don't forget to subscribe to the Citizen Warrior Newsletter. No .gov email addresses allowed. Your mileage may very prepper forever God bless our sovereign rights.

Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

If you were stuck on a desert island and could only have enough gear to fit in a single fanny pack, what would you bring with you?

Carl "Beast Man" Feinwitz

A: Dear Breast Man Finewitch,

I don't have to do a hypothetical. I DID get stuck on a desert island last weekend when I was out treasure hunting (sand bar in the florida keys with 3 palm trees. I crashed my jetski on some stupid ancient coral). I DID have my fanny pack. Here is what it had: flaregun, regular gun (Saturday night special), can of jerky chew, two snugger fit condoms, lighter, 45 pep up pills, paracord, Ultimate Survival Technologies SaberCut Saw, treasure map, SpyderCo Terrorist-Slitter knife and a mini can of bud. Here is what I did:

1. Slammed the bud

2. Still thirsty, so I used the saw to drop all three palms to the deck

3. Drank 2 of 8 coconuts. Had to piss, so filled up condoms with piss in case I had to drink that too


4. Saw a bird, shot it with my flare gun

5. Swam out to get it, and a little shark (3 foot) bit my foot, so I shot that (real gun) too

6. At dark I lit those palms right on fire with jetski fuel - nice and toasty. Cooked up shark but it smelled like piss so I threw it away. Ate bird.


7. In the morning I took a shit in the surf and took a few pep pills to get the ol' melon thinking fast

8. Carved a crude monster truck out of some burnt palm tree charcoal for like 3 hours

9. Saw a go-fast boat ripping by at like 11 AM. Shot a flare at him. Hit the boat, and the guy got all mad. Some Colombian guy.


10. He drove over to the island but when I tried to talk to him he was agitated and pulled out a machete

11. Threw piss condom on him and he got really mad

12. He stepped on a sharp rock when he tried to run up the beach at me, and he fell down


13. Brained him with a coconut and got in his boat

14. Was in Pensacola by 10 PM

15. Ate 48 gulf oysters at Geech's Shrimp Shack

Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

Ever since my daughter was 13, we've gone to Comic Con together every year, her dressed as Jubilee and myself as Wolverine. After watching the newest X-Men movie, she has it in her head that she wants to be Mystique, wearing basically only body paint. As her father I am really uncomfortable going with her dressed like that, but she is a grown woman and I want her to be able to make her own choices. At the same time, I don't want to miss Comic Con with her for the first time since she was young. What should I do?



Papa Logan

A: Pawpaw Logan,

If your daughter is now 18, send me a photo first then I will tell you what to do.


Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

How do you make girls like you? I have a pretty masculine top face, middle face is kind of gay, strong jaw on my lower face. My head is optimum diameter, and my erection is 90 degrees from my body. Compared to a lot of the guys I see, I should have a lot more girlfriends, but I don't have any (ever). I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I'm asking you because you seem to get tons of chicks and you have a mostly gay face and a fat neck, and your head diameter is much too small.

With thanks,

Perfect Gentleman

A: Hey dickwad,

Yeah I have a gay face - gay for pussy if you're picking up what I'm laying down. Chicks like me because my fat neck is red from the sun (manly), my mastery of karate, and the fact that i treat women just like men that have big hooters and a poonhole instead of a prickstick. We're all just she-men and he-mens walking around this hu-man world you jackoff. YOU KNOW WHAT, THE MORE I THINK ABOUT YOU MARCHING AROUND WITH A PROTRACTOR AROUND YOUR DICK THE ANGRIER I GET. GUESS WHAT WOMEN THINK YOURE AN IDIOT AND SO DO I! BUY A FLESHLIGHT, PLUG THAT INTO YOUR OCULUS RIFT AND PLAY YOUR WORLD OF WARCRAFT, PORKING YOUR ORCS. YOURE LUCKY YOU'RE NOT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME OR I'D DRAW DOWN A SAVAGE SLAP TO YOUR TOP FACE AND GIVE YOU A STINGING RED BELLY!!!!!11