Written in Ink
Written in Ink

Dear Founders: Constitutional Advice with JohnnySqueasel XIII

Alright PATRIOTS and wieners,

Some of you came to my aid when the ISLAMIC STATE seized my account last week. SOME OF YOU DID NOTHING. THOSE THAT DID NOTHING CAN FUCK OFF and stare at this:


Anyway I spent 100 doge coins to hire a team of 6 Bulgarians from darknet and they did three things:

1. Regained access to my account

2. Put little ascii pixel dicks on the terrorists nokia candy bar phones they use to blow up IEDs


3. Got me 40k airline miles on the house plus some porno logins

Anyway make sure you follow me at @JohnnySqueasel. At some undisclosed time in the future, there MAY be a contest for followers. But you should follow for like a year to see if that comes through/happens.


Let's get into this week's Mail Sack. Your mileage may very prepper forever God bless our sovereign rights.

Illustration for article titled Dear Founders: Constitutional Advice with JohnnySqueasel XIII

Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,

What was that business with that Islamic State whatever last week? Was that some sort of joke? Because I don't get it. Anyway, the advice was pretty good. I got a this big cargo shorts made out of this parachute type material and my under carriage has never been more comfortable. I'm touching my gooch right now and its dry as a biscuit.


Thanks again,

Soggy Ass Dad

A: Sorry Ass Dad,

That was no fucking joke. Those Faisal Talibaners have it out for America and badass bayou billies such as myself. Glad you got a dry grundle if that's what you wanted.


Q: Dear Johnny Squeasel,

Long time fan here. About ten years ago I bought a boa and named her Dick. I wanted to be able to say the joke "My Dick is two feet long!" but that got kinda old after the 20th time I said it, so I changed her name to Dickitha. Anyway, a couple years later I started seriously seeing a girl who became my girlfriend, and up until recently me and Dickitha have been living with her. We just broke up and I'm trying to find a new place for me and my snake, but here's the problem: Dickitha is now 12 feet long. In the beginning I was feeding her mice, but over the years she has needed larger and larger food, like rats, rabbits, and now she's eating pigs. I'm just a humble man who shoots seagulls at the airport for money, I can't afford to be buying a pig every other week (previously my ex was paying for food). My ex wants to take her but I don't want to give up Dickitha. What should I do?



Chuck in NYC

A: Hi Chuckles,

That she-snake sounds pretty bad ass. Just let it go into the sewers, come on Chuckles just use your noggin christ. If you can get it down to the 'glades, I'll hunt it myself. Or you can mail it to me in a huge box and I'll turn it into 10 belts and send you one.


Q: Dear Mr. Squeasel,

I think my neighbors may be drug dealers. During the day a couple of them sit on their stoop and talk, writing something down on note books, while people in the neighborhood come up and shake their hands. I can't see anything changing hands but these people are good at being discrete. I'm not new to this game, I've seen every episode of The Shield and The Wire several times. At night they are up till 2AM playing music and laughing. What's that funny to be laughing at 2AM? Oh, I forgot, drugs make you think stuff is funny. Hmmmm.


I've called the police multiple times and they have failed to do anything. They say they are a frat house for Kappa Alpha Psi, but if that's true, why have I never seen them throw a toga party? I watch them 16 hours a day and I've never seen it. As the authorities have failed to act, I feel I need to take it upon myself to protect my neighborhood. My question is whether I can invoke Stand Your Ground if I have never physically approached the drug dealers, where my ground is my darkened second story bedroom window, and their ground is the stoop of their front door?


Buford B. Cunningham

A: Hi Cunny,

The Wire is weak KIDS CRAP compared to the Shield which is the best Television Show made. To start, rewatch the Shield episode with the Armenian Money Train. Then, wait until they go to the store because it's time for a Sneak and Peek. Some crimes you gotta solve yourself. Then SPRINT through their fence, EXPLODE RIGHT THROUGH IT, Vic Mackey style. Once you're in the backyard take a look around. Is there a paper bag under the stairs? FULL OF DRUGS AND MONEY? If not kick in the back door.


Creep around inside. If it's a drug house you're gunna find Science Bongs, and 6 Foot Rippers, and Toke and Pokes and stuff like that. Scales full of powders, little baggies full of powders, pills in the bathroom. However if all you see are bean bag chairs and maxim posters and Axe Wipes and Rubdowns in the shower and 8 George Foreman Grills in the kitchen, it is indeed a frat house.

Anyway call the cops every night you can hear their voices outside after 7 PM. Also leave your door open every night. IF anyone comes in, BLAM BLAM BLAM.


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