Written in Ink

Dear Founders: Constitutional Advice with JohnnySqueasel XIV

Hey you goobers, be sure you follow me at @JohnnySqueasel if you want to watch me own nerds, give out sweet recipes, talk about my adventures with babes and nature.

Let's get into this week's Mail Sack. Your mileage may very prepper forever God bless our sovereign rights.


Q: Dear Johnny Squeasel,

Is there a way to clean blood stains off of nylons? Don't worry, its not my blood.



A: Jezz81,

3 parts Oxyclean, 6 parts Krud Kutter, 4 parts pharmacy plastic jug gin. That's how I cleaned up my Spec Ops grade Tactical Tights once they were covered in gator blood.


Q: Dear Johnny Squeasel,

What is the proper procedure for burying my gold for safe keeping? I finally have a good nest egg of commemorative gold coins saved up, and I want to store it safely. I also don't want to hide it so well that I might not be able to find it again. Should it be on my own property, where gold thieves will come looking for it, or somewhere else? I'll need it to be easy to describe its location so I can write a map for my kids to leave in my will in case I don't get a chance to dig it up in my life. Thank you so much.


Milt Godburn

A: Hey Miltoid Godbun,

The key is hiding it in plain sight. Melt those coins down into a crude rock-shaped mold, cunningly spray paint it in various natural pleasing earth tones, and toss it in the woods. The key is DON'T forget what woods or where in the woods. Then make an elaborate pirates chest for your basement, but rig it up to explode on whatever idiot sap opens it.


For the map - write it on the back of a copy of the Declaration of Independence in human piss (invisible ink). Then give your kids a copy of 2004's best movie, National Treasure. If they can't figure it out from there they might be a couple of one, two r-words, no offense.

Q: Dear Mr. Squeasel,

Do you play any musical insturments? My mom wants me to learn how to play the violin but I dont like that insturment. My favorites are the gitar and drums and saxafone and what ever makes the wub wub noise in Skrillex songs. Do you like Skrillex or is he a joker? I will burn my ipod nano if he is a joker. Its actually my dads nano but he lets me play with it.




Age 7

A: Hi Jiminy,

I have some bad news for you - your email is full of typos and I can't understand it at all. Your school failed you and you need to ask your parents for a 'voucher' to go to a good tea party charter school. There you will learn about tricorn hats and you can become a sharp little drummer boy. That wub wub Skrittler guy is some kind of multi-year prank and will melt your brain.


Your dad is a major joker. After charter school ask to be transferred to the Citadel. The USMC can be your father.


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