Written in Ink
Written in Ink
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God For Sale!

Illustration for article titled God For Sale!

If corporations can have deeply held religious beliefs, then I think it's time their buildings started showing it. I, The Good Corporate Reverend BlameItOnTheCroutons, hereby offer to say mass every Sunday and every weekday morning for a very nominal fee to let everyone know just how pious your capitalistic holding company is.


I will first need perform a standard baptism on your building with a blessed garden hose. The ceremony is very tasteful and your board will be pleased to be nominated as its Godparent. Your business will need to pick a corporate baptism name in addition to the name it already has. Now that corporations have religious beliefs they also have their own saints! Don't worry. Nobody uses it on legal documents or anything and usually go with Forever 21, Walmart, or Target. Smart asses go with Piggly Wiggly. After a spray of the hose and a blessing from God's HR handbook AKA The Bible (a little Corporate Rev. humor.), you've performed a great PR move and given your company complete and total moral superiority on every social issue! You're untouchable now!

Next is the daily mass. It will be short and sweet as nothing taught in the Bible can be done in your store. People must wear shoes so no feet washing. Nobody knows who their neighbors are so why by nice? Outside food is not permitted so there will be no communion. Of course we won't be sheltering the homeless or the infirm because we're here to sell products and that story of the moneychangers in the temple? Forget about it! Tastefully ignored! Instead we'll talk about how great God is as a concept that we all can think about abstractly and use to get people to vote in the interests of white, wealthy men.


Should you go with the premium package I will Confirm your bulding by renting a helicopter and dumping a holy chrism of oil upon it. I also perform exorcisms on buildings that suddenly grow consciences and shelter the hungry, needy, poor, sick, or start to have political signs to vote Democrat. Confession is rated on a minute by minute basis and any and all corporate secrets bestowed onto me will certainly not be sold under my alias NotBlameItOnTheCroutons.

So please, for a nominal consulting fee consider me: The Corporate Reverend BlameItOnTheCroutons. Because why only invoke God halfway when you can really commit?

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