Alright Swamp Bros, Let's get into this week's Mail Sack. Don't forget to subscribe to the Citizen Warrior Newsletter. No .gov email addresses allowed. Your mileage may very prepper forever God bless our sovereign rights.
Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,
You know how some people kind of have a favorite animal, and then they start collecting all this stuff and nic-nacks of that animal? The guy in the cube near me is nuts about dolphins: dolphin calendar, dolphin paper weight, dolphin screen saver. Whatever, everyone's got their thing. I like making cheese. Anyway, besides your column, I also read Gawker and Jezebel, and lately there have been A LOT of articles about people having sex with dolphins. My coworker reads Gawker and Jezebel too, and at the water cooler he offhandedly mentioned he was going to do one of those "dolphin experience" things that you always hear about sick kids doing. This guy... I don't mean to be a jerk but I don't see him having sex with humans. I'm worried all the dolphin sex articles has given him the idea to try it in real life. I don't have any solid proof, but do you think I should warn the dolphin place what I think my coworker is going to do? On the other hand, dolphins seem pretty smart so maybe they can make their own decisions.
Worried and Confused
A: Hey Wormwood and Cornfuse,
Dolphins are dark Lib sickos of the sea. But even so Jezzlebelle has a real Hardon for these dolphins. They're all upset when dolphin statues rock kids worlds :(, when old ladies rail dolphins, when cats eat dolphin meat. Basically your buddy is a porpoise sexual, possibly a HomoPorpoise Sexual. I'll tell you what my favorite animal is. An AMERICAN BISON, jacked, with two anacondas as arms with HUGE biceps, with a big snarling badger for a dick. That's what I have as a decal on my camaro door.
Q: Dear JohnnySqueasel,
I decided I'm going to propose to my girlfriend on our camping trip this next weekend. What I was planning on doing was dropping to my knee after we reach the summit of the mountain before we make camp, but with all these elaborate proposal videos I see on the internet I don't know if I really feel like I am doing enough. I was thinking, like, maybe bury the ring in the ground this weekend and then when we get to the site together, ask her to dig a latrine so she can find it, but that doesn't feel right. You're a romantic guy, how should I propose to my girlfriend (that will be able to compete with all these damn proposals on the internet)?
A: Hey Look Bortan Hobbersnob,
First, you gotta beat your gf to the top of the mountain. A few pep pills will help with that. Then when you're up there, piss a BIG heart in the snow (Romantic). Power down your emergency airplane bottle of Fireball, and plug that into the snow. Toss the ring on there like a carnival game. Fire off all chambered farts before your chick rounds the corner. Then when she shows, fire off TWIN FLARE GUNS from your knees with a powerful Butch Yell. Shoot GREEN SMOKE like Nic Cage in The Rock. She'll drop down with a deep rumbling yell - probably will Cum right there (ladies weigh in if that's wrong - it's not, read a Biology Book).
Who is your favorite character on Game of Thrones?
My favorite character is DumbleDorf, though it would be sweet if he was a Jacked Hetero but no hard feelings. The cool thing about being a wizard is casting an Engorgio on your prickstick and then waving that around, as you're head House Boy and everyone has to do what you say anyway.