Written in Ink
Written in Ink


Illustration for article titled I DONT LIKE THE SUN ANYMORE

It's nothing personal, Sun. It's just that I've come to the conclusion that you're too hot. I mean, I know that you do all sorts of things that are beneficial and all, but it's just that, well, I'm boooooooooooooored. So—heads up—I am going to start this unnecessary war with you. I've already told all my "friends" about it. Internet people, you know. They really like me!


Anyway, the public premise will be that I really prefer it when you are further away when it is cold and there is wind in the air and there is snow on the ground. Oh, I am aware that when there was snow just a few months ago that I missed you. Missed you lots! But you shouldn't bring that up—facts like that sort of thing will just make me angrier and meaner. At the time, I did publicly sing your praises. I do recall all of that. But, now I want to destroy you, you see? Because I know how to. And, well, that boredom I spoke of, that emptiness that I don't know what to do with. It nags...

So, expect a battle. It will get ugly. Your reputation will be casually yet utterly besmirched. People will type "OMG, I had no idea Sun was like that!" It will all be entirely pointless. There will be an enormous pile-on, though. That I can promise you. It will last at least two days. Three, if we're lucky. We do reserve the right to dredge it up for months, even years later, though. Unfortunately, however, it will ultimately fail.


But success isn't really the point of these things, you know. Don't take any of it personally, no matter how obnoxious and wholly inappropriate we get. We will point out imagined flaws in your personality that we couldn't possibly know anything about because we haven't actually met you IRL. We will suggest autism, mental illness, or even criminal bents, such as slandering you with an implication of pedophilia tendencies. We will most assuredly accuse you of racism, because all entertaining internet arguments begin and end there. (Entertainment is a priority.) We will voice intense protestations of your badness and condemn your evildoing of which we possess no actual real tangible evidence. The cause and source of our vitriolic screeds will really be of no importance once we truly get going. Kind of an "If you build it, they will come" sort of thing.

But mostly, it will be fun! (Not for you so much, though.)

Oh, how I do enjoy a good virtual fight for no reason at all. Oh, happy day!


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