Yesterday's Masturbate-a-Thon fundraiser in San Francisco generated surprisingly little heat on Twitter (guess everyone had their hands full).

I'm not looking to make this my beat, but there's a real headline here: A new record for longest distance ejaculated โ€” 12 feet, 10 inches.

I. Can't. Even.

Left limp is a 2009 record of 5 feet, 4 inches, set by "Flint Greasewood" โ€” a nom de cum if ever there was one. Just remember, amateurs, there's always next year. So practice, practice, practice.