Let's call her Regina George.

We have been rivals since we were teenagers. You have anybody like that in your life? We started out as friends, but since we wanted the same things at the same time and place, we became frenemies.

I learned a lot from her ABOUT HOW TO SCREW PEOPLE OVER before we parted ways.

Cut to today. Yesterday she posted a 35-year-old photograph of the two of us on Facebook. She looked gorgeous. I looked like Rob Ford. They were bad years for me, stylewise. Best forgotten.

Until YESTERDAY. It was on her Facebook page for a full 24 hours before she friend-requested me and I accepted and then it hit me full on in the face. MY HIDEOUS PAST.


There were about 150 comments under the photo (Regina George has lots of "friends") and they all said the same thing OOH REGINA YOU'RE SO HOT, OH WOW ISN'T REGINA BEAUTIFUL!!, WOW REGINA YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A LOOKER.

We have mutuals. Guess what some of them commented? I KNOW THOSE TWO! and LOOK AT THEM REGINA AND TWIZZLER and WOW FLASHBACK. I know when I'm being dissed. Fuck you all, assholes. Let's see your worst photo from 25 years ago, pizza face.

Anyway, what followed was a fooking battle to get that thing down. She wouldn't respond to hints, then outright demands, so I had to get Facebook involved. She acted so butthurt, like this was the meanest thing anyone had ever done. I'm like, you don't think to even bother to ask me before posting my photo, knowing we're not even Friends on the damn Book o Faces?


No. Because it's all about her.

Then she tells me she's sorry for all the unhappiness I'm experiencing in life, but she can't talk anymore because she's "flying halfway across the world to report from Iraq and Afghanistan." And how she has PTSD and why can't I be supportive like the rest of her fans. (I made that last part up.)

I told The Goddess of Importance to go fly off to her war zone and get the hell off Facebook if she's so fucking important. And don't post my fucking photo without my permission.


Swear to GOD. I want to go prank her mailbox so bad or TP her house or silly string her car in the school parking lot.