Written in Ink
Written in Ink
This is a platform for User Generated Content. G/O Media assumes no liability for content posted by Kinja users to this platform.

Review: Oblivion *SPOILERS*

Illustration for article titled Review: Oblivion *SPOILERS*

So me and the taller half live at the movie theaters basically every weekend. So, Saturday's choice was Oblivion since we saw everything else that was out already. With posting access here, why not write movie reviews?! *Key note: Things may not be in order cause I forget quickly, and some things are omitted cause I think I fell asleep through it.

Advertisement

TOM CRUISE STOP IT. I USED TO LOVE YOU WHEN YOU WERE IN TOP GUN AND NOT CRAZY. I WASN'T EVEN ALIVE YET WHEN TOP GUN WAS OUT BUT STILL. I SAW IT WHEN I WAS LIKE 7 AND YOU WERE ~dreamy~ But ex-boo, go after someone who isn't 33 years old. YOU ARE ANCIENT NOW! I yell a lot.

The film takes place in 2077, so a really long time in the future! Earth had been attacked by aliens called Scavengers (Scavs for short, and I am lazy to write this every time.) The moon has been destroyed by the aliens, the earth ruined by the choice to use nukes/resulting lunar disruption. A lesson, we do not want to end up in fantasy island* by using the nukes. Human survivors now live on Titan (or do they? Is this Cowboy Bebop?) and Tommy and his booboo are the last few humans stationed on earth. (Or are they?) But before Titan, they go through this gigantic space station called the Tet. BORG, I SAY THEY ARE BORG.

Advertisement

Oh yeah, Tommy and booboo live in the sky cause well half of the Earth is a walking radiation wasteland. Their memories have been erased so they can't like give up stuff during an interrogation by mysterious Scavs! Which is convenient, since Tom Tom and boo boo are part of a mission to extract Earth's remaining resources....namely water. Since, we got people living on Titan and such.

The movie begins with Technician #49 Jack Harper (Tom Cruise) waking up from a dream about a woman, who is not the woman he wakes up in bed with, this bed partner's name is Victoria (Andrea Riseborough). Scandalous! Victoria is Jack's communications officer/lover who helps him out when he's out on the field and is the go between with the Tet. The Tet's worker bee is called Sally (She's their commander or something, I forget), and she's REALLY ANNOYING. She asks Victoria every time we see this mysterious Sally on the video communications screen "are we an effective team?" Which Vic, who is happily in love with the almighty Jack says "Yes! <33333" You can literally feel the < and the 3's in her speech.
Anyhow, Jack's primary job is the maintenance and support of 'drones', heavily armed airborne death machines. You may have seen them in Star Wars. These drones are supposed to help destroy the remaining alien resistance and protect the resource extraction machine thing. (Or the super vacuum of death, which ever you prefer.)

Advertisement

During the course of learning Jack's job, you also find out that Jack and Victoria have only two weeks on the radiation stricken Earth until they join the rest of civilization.

Moving on, Jack has left the nest to go to work.

Jack on the field is an interesting thing, while Vic is like "oh Jack~ <333333" and "hey, you don't have the supplies you need to fix that drone." in her official voice, he went ahead and fixed a broken drone with some gum he was chewing. Drone 166 was fixed by Xenu. Drone 166 wants his soul. There was like this dog who was like STRANGER DANGER and started barking at Jack, and the drone was offline at this time but after so many WOOF WOOF GRR at Jack....it awakens. It attempts to read the threat of the dog, and was going to terminate until Jack shoots his gun in the air to save the dog by scaring it away. Yay, no obliteration of animals today! But the death drone focuses on Jack, as you see it trying assess Jack as a threat or not. It was going to shoot Jack, but it finally was like ..."oh wait nvm." It pauses, and shoots into the air where it goes to join its drone friends.

Advertisement

Jack goes off and looks for an alternative drone which went off communication. He locates a beacon in which he thinks is the drone and looks for it. He goes through a hole! Yay! Which is a destroyed library (which made the book lover in me cry on the inside) that he searches all around with his gun he stole from Gears of War. He finds a device which was doing the beeping, which was a Scav machine oh no!

Jack runs back to the whole in which he had lowered himself down from and attaches the wire back to his Batman-esque belt, as he is rising in the air....the wire breaks. Jack is free falling quite dramatically and falls to the ground. Gunfire ensues and the Scavs are being creepers in the background. Drone 166 appears and shoots bullets and stuff and saves Jack as his gun gets knocked into a hole in the ground. Yay! Jack isn't dead! But how does he get out of the hole? He climbs and finds out his traveling device aka a fancy folding motorcycle that also allowed him to be lowered into the Scav hole has been stolen, in which he curses Xenu!

Advertisement

But not to worry, he makes his way back to the ship.

All is well, Jack gets back into his ship and talks to his bed partner about his plans. He says he's going to go off com for a bit, and you see him fly into this really pretty area of the dead earth.

Advertisement

Jack, is a curious being with a secret. Jack is keeping things from his bed partner, like an entirely safe from radiation and aliens lake house filled with relics of human civilization. You see him doing totally normal things like playing basketball and drinking from the river/lake/water source. All is well in the secret cabin in the woods, so he goes home.


Jack is a romantic, he tries bringing a little bit of his secret home up to the sky-home in which Vic was like OMG NOOO REGULATIONS! TOXINS AHHH! and drops his flower in a soup can present out the window. This doesn't defer Vic of getting Xenu's man goodies and they have alone time in a pool. Fantastic! I really want a pool that you can see the clouds underneath you, it seems fancy.

Advertisement

But anyway, work happens and like an explosion is seen in the distance. Jack goes to save the day and find out what happened against Victoria and Sally's orders. What he finds is a Scav tower-thing, and that there was a spaceship that crashed into earth. He finds sleeping people in pods. Because Victoria had already contacted the high ruler of the Tet, there was drones already on the way because Scavs are bad y'all. Jack is looking around and he sees a sleeping pod person who looks exactly like the woman from his dreams. Well, the drones show up and shoot the survivors. Jack is freaking out and yelling at the drone to stand down. He is able to save the dream woman and takes her home to the sky.

The mysterious woman's pod and Jack are greeted by a hesitant Victoria upon arrival, but she ultimately allows the duo back into her sky-castle. The pod is screaming critical! omg! save me!. (It's not, it just says critical on the specs window.) Jack opens the pod and a few moments later the woman awakens. She's puke filled, and allows it to come out of her mouth before ultimately fainting in Jack's arms. She whispers his name before passing out completely. Jack's face goes o_O for a few moments before they go into the medical area.

Advertisement

Victoria upon the mysterious pod lady's awakening explains to her what has happened. She has been in "delta sleep" for 60 years, (Cryogenics? Why did she not age?!) disorientation is normal, etc. She's all like ??? my crew? please explain?? I need my ship's recorder! Jack explains the grim fate of her being the only survivor and what happened to the world.

Later on, we find out that this woman's name is Julia (Back to this Cowboy Bebop reference eh?!! Why is it Jack instead of Spike?) and she was a flight attendant?(I really don't remember, but it is irrelevant.) She urges Jack to help her get her spaceship's flight record. Which he does cause of her mysterious appearance in his dreams.

Advertisement

So they take off without telling bed partner Victoria, which kinda pisses her off since she was already like I WANT HER GONE in previous times.

They go off to do what Julia wants! yay! But they get captured and stuff, but this is where the movie explains itself.

Advertisement

Somewhere in the middle of this cluster of a horrible review. Jack and Julia meets Morgan Freeman who is called Malcolm Beech who is actually Morpheus from the Matrix. (The humans were the remainders of the "alien" resistance! Oh my!) (Jack has also lost his space ship at this point as he sent it away when he was captured by the "Scavs.")
He tells Jack everything is a lie. He needs his help to really end the war. Please help us Neo! Jack! You are The One. Please re-program the drone we captured that has all these fuel cells we stole, which made this nuclear! Because again we did not learn from earlier that NUCLEAR WAR IS BAD Y 'ALL. But Jack's like nooo can't be.

Morpheus' henchman Cypher (I don't remember what they actually called him....) was like "MORPHEUS! why did you bring him here? He'll get us all killed." But he's got a gun to Julia's head, and Jack's like noo plz dont kill my baby momma? (OH SPOILERS.) Morpheus tells Cypher no, let them go. He tells Jack to go to the radiation zone, for he will see the truth. He will become one with The Matrix. Oh yeah, these guys were the ones who stole the Bat-Cycle from him, so they allow him to have it back and he and Julia ride off into the sunset.

Advertisement

Jack and Julia go to the ruined Empire State Building where Jack's memories are all coming back. Julia tells him that she is his wife. They embrace and such.

Bed partner Victoria has just barely sent Jack's ship to them, and she has seen the HEARTBREAKING BEHAVIOR of her bed partner on her video com. She is crying unknown to Jack, while Jack and Julia are on the way back to sky castle. As Jack and Julia show back up, Jack's all like heyyy lemme in pls? Julia's like NO STAY AWAY! (Even though girl's behind a glass window.) She decides to press a button which is a link for Sally. She's all back in official voice through her tears and tells Sally (Jack is pounding on the glass, pleading with her not to) that they are no longer an "effective team." Sally remotely activates a drone and kills Victoria. She orders Jack to bring Julia back to the Tet, which instead they flee.

Advertisement

But then! They are chased by drones to the point of the radiation zone where Jack becomes one with the Matrix. He finds Technician #52, who is HIS CLONE. HE IS A CLONE Y'ALL. WHAT KINDA WITCHCRAFT IS THIS?! The drones are gone, but Jack 42 and Jack 52 begin fighting. They're like Hey you like Xenu? I like Xenu. NO, YOU CAN'T LIKE XENU FOR I LIKE XENU. They fight and Jack 42 puts him into a sleeper hold. Jack 42 goes to find Julia who has been injured in the stomach. (Which is odd for the ending...) Jack is like "Listen, Rose. You're gonna get out of here, you're gonna go on and you're gonna make lots of babies, and you're gonna watch them grow. You're gonna die an old... an old lady warm in her bed, not here, not this night-day.. Not like this, do you understand me?!"

Jack 42 runs off to steal Jack 52's space ship cause his was broken when they crashed. Jack 42 goes to Tower 52 to find a first aid kit for Julia. He is greeted by a clone of Victoria which he smoothly talks about bringing her down to the surface, which she acts just like his dead partner and is like no. They kiss because Victoria 52 has not been killed and does not know about Jack 42's wife-y. Jack leaves again and returns to Julia and saves her life with some really amazing spray stuff, cause she is fine the very next time we see her.

Advertisement

Jack and Julia go back to Morpheus, and he's all like "Have you learned the truth?" Which Jack puts on a black trench coat and sunglasses and nods his head all Matrix-y. No, actually Morpheus/Beech explains to Jack that he is a clone of the original Jack Harper, who was an astronaut in 2017. He explains that the "Scavs" he knows about are the only remaining humans left, as there is no colony on Titan. The Tet is actually the Borg as I said earlier, and they are responsible for EVERYTHING!!!!#@!*(&^ Plus, the Tet is taking the water for its own consumption. They used thousands and thousands of Jack Harper clones to accomplish the takeover of Earth. They were all programmed to kill humans, and then after they "won," it was just drone maintenance.

Jack decides to be such a nice guy and helps reprogram the nuclear drone to be delivered in the heart of the Tet, but Sally has other plans. Sally has picked up Jack 42's bio-trail at the fight with 52.

Advertisement

Tom Cruise, thousands of them. What in the bloody hell?

Sally has sent 3 drones to find Jack and they come and destroy EVERYTHING! Beech tries to save us all just like Morpheus would. He is mortally wounded, but the drones are defeated.

Advertisement

The captured drone was destroyed, but the nuke was still intact so Jack decides to fly the bomb up himself. He does admit that he has no way of doing this without being shot down, in which wife-y suggests that she comes along as Sally wanted. Julia's like self-sacrificing and such, so sweet.

Jack places Julia back in her sleeping pod, and informs Sally he is coming with her as requested. Last I checked, the sleeping pod was broken. I don't know when this was repaired.

Advertisement

During the flight to the Tet, Jack is listening to the flight recorder from Julia's ship, and in a series of dramatic flashbacks, it is revealed what really happened.

Jack, with Victoria as his co-pilot were part of a NASA mission to travel to Titan. Julia and many others were in hibernation because of this fact. The mission gets re-routed because of the newly discovered Tet, and once Jack's ship the Odyssey approached, they were drawn in and lost contact with mission control. Realizing that they were going to be captured, Jack ejected the module with the sleeping patrons to orbit Earth instead. The sleeping pod people orbited Earth for 60 years until Morpheus brought them down with the homing beacon (I think I forgot this earlier).

Advertisement

Captain Jack Sparrow finally enters the Tet, and on arrival sees the THOUSANDS OF TOM CRUISE'S/JACK and clones of Victoria. He confronts Sally who is really Ultramark 2000 (Dexter's Lab?)/Agent Smith, but at this time more drones are being sent to destroy the rest of the resistance's base. Sally is angered when Jack opens the sleeping capsule and it is not his wife, but Beech who is there to have his last hurrah. He had expressed earlier in the day that he wanted to do this, even though it would have been a one way trip. Julia instead was delivered to the lake house, where she wakes up alone. Sally is all sorts of pissed, Jack is reciting a stanza from Horatius and is all like "Fuck you, Sally" and detonates the bomb with Beech.

The Tet is destroyed and the drones on Earth shut down. Humanity is saved! Hurray!! 3 years later, Suri apparently shows up in this movie because Julia was pregnant.

Advertisement

I do not know how this happened, do not ask me. Was she pregnant before hibernation? We did not see steamy scene between Jack and Julia, so I have no idea...

Julia and Suri clone are living in peace on a recovering planet at the lake house, when the members of the former resistance find them. Julia welcomes them, as this happens Tech 52 appears and they just STARE.

Advertisement

Review: 3/5. The ending annoyed me. >:\ I like my interpretation better than reality.

It's not a bad movie to watch, definitely better than most of Tom's movies of late. Your decision to see.

Advertisement

Image from http://movies.about.com

*Fantasy Island - The world where Tom Cruise is the leader.

This took me from SUNDAY TO WRITE. THANK YOU FOR DRAFT FEATURE :D

Share This Story

Get our newsletter