Written in Ink

Rob Ford Has Totally Got This

You guys, you guys, Rob Ford’s crack smoking is not that big a deal, I mean, he was in a “drunken stupor" when it happened, so it totally does not count. You get backsies for anything done while pass out drunk. It’s sort of like cheating while in a different time zone, I think.

Also, he is not a drug addict or drunk, because he shows up to work. Everyone knows that is what defines healthy moderation, the ability to be physically present at your office.


In the man’s own words:

"If I am an addict I could not show up to work every single day and you know I cannot miss work."

In all fairness to Ford, showing up blitzed to the office when you work in government has a long tradition. Over here in the land of the stars and stripes, our founding fathers were basically pickled in alcohol at any given moment in time. I am pretty sure that is why John Adams lived as long as he did, his body was essentially preserved.

And of course when you type the words “DC mayor” into Google it auto completes with the word “crack”, so there is that.


The good news for Ford is that smoking crack while mayor is apparently not a crime in Toronto.

Police have said they don't have grounds to charge the mayor with any crime.

Unfortunately for DC mayor Marion Barry, in the U.S. it is. But as a bonus, stateside you can get reelected after serving your time.


Speaking of reelected, to prove that he totally has got this, bro, Ford is not only going to serve out his term, which ends October 2014, but he is going to run for reelection! It is unclear as of yet what his platform will be.

Ford’s major support in the last election came from the suburbs, where apparently all those soccer moms and baseball coach dads are really into the drugs?

Ford's approval rating even edged up slightly after police announced they recovered the video file that appears to show the mayor smoking from a crack pipe.


But Ford should be careful about pleasing his voting base, as Whitney Huston taught us all, crack is for poor people, cocaine is for the upper middle-class.

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