Not only am I speaking in the third person, but I am almost certainly somewhat lactose intolerant. (it runs in my family) I tried soy cheese and that shit was an abomination. My goal is just to be cheese light, eating occasional amounts of dairy but not every day.

WHY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME? IS THIS PUNISHMENT FOR ALL THE MASTURBATION? I DIDN'T MEAN TO. I WAS JUST BORED AND I DIDN'T HAVE CABLE.

WHY HAS CHEESE FORSAKEN ME?