So, I had to watch Man of Steel for a class (don't ask) and, being more of a Marvel fellow, this was kinda my introduction to the iconic American Superhero. He is terrible.

(And no, I'm not writing this in a last minute attempt to pretend I write about movies because I'm still hoping Netflix will pay me to sit on my ass. That would be crazy.)

1. He isn't a character.


His origin story is that he grew up in Kansas and has superpowers. His superpowers are having superpowers. His engaging pathos is that he's a nice guy, and saves people. He is kinda a fascist tho, so that's something.

2. His powers don't make any sense.

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This shouldn't matter, but the movie tries soooo hard to make them make sense, and completely fails. So, he can fly because Earth's gravity is weaker, and this also lets him levitate and change direction mid air. His skin evolved in a harsher environment, so he can breathe in space. And he can shoot lasers from his eyes, just because.

(I'm going to skip the fact that none of the movie makes any damn sense, from saving a baby but no one else, when they obviously could have escaped that whole "planet-destruction" thing by, say, going to prison, or leaving in space ships, to the fact that they had a baby to escape the terrible pod-baby scenario, but only left him with the code to make pod-babies and no one to mate naturally with, to how he kills Zod to save a couple innocents, but has no problem throwing Zod through numerous occupied buildings, etc etc etc etc, because going into every gaping plot-chasm would take way too long here)

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3. Speaking of powers, he has them all.


Flying? Check. Super strength, super-speed? Check. X-ray vision, laser vision, super-hearing, breathing underwater, impeccable timing, can mine bitcoins with his dick? Check. Oh, and he's fireproof, bulletproof, and just generally completely invulnerable to all harm. Boy, wonder who's gonna come out on top in this one?

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4. His nemesis is just evil superman.


Same exact powers, same exact costume, same cape, same skin color. Speaking of skin color, this is definitely a movie about white people saving white people from white people. I usually complain about superhero movies being about white people saving white people from brown people, but I'm not sure this is better. I am pretty sure they specifically cast the "Token Black Character" as "Token Black Character," but don't worry, he doesn't have a major role.

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5. They destroy New York.


Yes, very subtle 9/11 allusion going on here. Like literally every other superhero movie of the last decade.

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6. The movie thinks you're the dumbest person on earth.


Plot holes aside, do we really need every single thing explained over and over? Oh, your magic USB stick won't go in the hole? Better have a whole conversation about how it wont go in the hole, just so we know it wont go in the hole, and will be suitably impressed when it does go hole a little later (turns out you have to bang it).

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Basically, I miss The Wolverine.