What the hell are we supposed to drink?

Soda has too much sugar and calories and causes obesity, cancer, diabetes, and all sorts of death. Juice has too much sugar and calories. Drinks with artificial sweeteners cause all manner of shenanigans and is not good for you and will likely kill you in a number of ways. Milk is great but has too many calories and is too expensive to drink more than once a day. Smoothies are fine but are too hard to make, too expensive, and not refreshing. Coffee has it's own pros and cons, but again, not refreshing, and not something you drink to quench thirst. Water is fine, but shit, how much water can a person drink?

Booze is a given— high five— but it's not particularly refreshing and people frown on those of us who drink all day— apparently it is not "socially acceptable" to be an "alcoholic" or whatever.

So what the heck can we drink that is relatively inexpensive, tasty, refreshing, thirst quenching, low calorie, and actually something we look forward to putting in our mouths? Yes, I know water fits all these criteria, but shut up. I'm obviously looking for variety.