In the wake of Eric Holder and the Justice Department (which, as a side note, would be a GREAT name for a classic rock band in 1978) declaring that "meh, states can figure out their own shit when it comes to pot, I guess," because presumably they have ACTUAL REAL CRIMES TO PROSECUTE, police are really quite unhappy in their pants-places. How unhappy? So unhappy that they sent a sternly-worded letter that reads like a middle school girl's bitchy missive to her friend Karen that like, totally went out with Justin even though SHE had a crush on Justin, which is just so not fetch. Given that, I thought I'd take the opportunity to make my first Crosstalk post a call-and-response to the Huffington Post article linked above, because this was just too tempting.

Full disclaimer: I do not smoke pot, and do not particularly enjoy it. I just think our national Drug War is fucking stupid.

"A broad coalition of law enforcement officers who have spent the past three decades waging an increasingly militarized drug war that has failed to reduce drug use doesn't want to give up the fight."

Yes, "increasingly militarized" — what a diplomatic way to describe the fact that the only thing the police seem to give a crap about policing any more is those damned weedheads.

"Organizations that include sheriffs, narcotics officers and big-city police chiefs slammed Attorney General Eric Holder in a joint letter Friday, expressing "extreme disappointment" at his announcement that the Department of Justice would allow Colorado and Washington to implement state laws that legalized recreational marijuana for adults."

If there had been doubt about how meaningful Holder's move was, the fury reflected in the police response eliminates it. The role of law enforcement is traditionally understood to be limited to enforcing laws, but police organizations have become increasingly powerful political actors, and lashed out at Holder for not consulting sufficiently before adopting the new policy."

So, basically, the police are no longer doing their fucking jobs (SHOCKER, I know, in the wake of the Trayvon Martin case) and only really function as a lobbying group. Awesome. Because it's not like they're supposed to be public servants or anything.

""It is unacceptable that the Department of Justice did not consult our organizations — whose members will be directly impacted — for meaningful input ahead of this important decision," the letter reads. "Our organizations were given notice just thirty minutes before the official announcement was made public and were not given the adequate forum ahead of time to express our concerns with the Department’s conclusion on this matter. Simply 'checking the box' by alerting law enforcement officials right before a decision is announced is not enough and certainly does not show an understanding of the value the Federal, state, local and tribal law enforcement partnerships bring to the Department of Justice and the public safety discussion.""

Translation: Karen KNOWS I think Justin's eyes are dreamy, but she still asked him out anyway! WHAT A BITCH. Further translation: WAAAAAAAAH!! WAAAAAAAAAHHH!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

"The missive was signed by the Major County Sheriffs’ Association, the National Sheriffs’ Association, the Association of State Criminal Investigative Agencies, the International Association of Chiefs of Police, the National Narcotic Officers Associations’ Coalition, the Major Cities Chiefs Police Association and the Police Executive Research Forum."

And here's a list of people that can fuck themselves with a rake.

"Law enforcement, the police groups said, "becomes infinitely harder for our front-line men and women given the Department’s position.""

You mean "arresting black kids for marijuana possession at ludicrously-higher rates than their white counterparts becomes infinitely more difficult for our front-line men and women."

"The Justice Department declined to respond."

I like to imagine Eric Holder making the universal symbol for "jerk-off" after reading this bullshit letter.

"Local law enforcement agencies rely heavily on the drug war for funding. Police departments are often able to keep a large portion of the assets they seize during drug raids, even if charges are never brought. And federal grants for drug war operations make up a sizable portion of local law enforcement funding."

Aaaaaaaaand here it is. There's too much profit in it for the police to arrest people for possessing a substance that, if there were any justice in this fucking sham of a country, would not be controlled. It has nothing to do with enforcing the law (since legalizing marijuana does NOTHING to make the police's job more difficult other than giving them less opportunities to arrest people for stupid reasons), and nothing to do with what's right (since there's no moral imperative for pot to be illegal) — it has to do with what's profitable for the police. And these are the same people who think that women make up rapes all the time. It is not possible for me to express how I feel about this in words, because the swearwords have not been invented yet.

"The letter warns that marijuana can cause suicidal thoughts, impairs driving and is a "gateway drug." The missive does not, however, address the failure of law enforcement generally to reduce drug use, even while tripling the number of people behind bars. Instead, the police warn that liberalizing pot laws will lead to an increase in crime."

Jersey Shore causes suicidal thoughts, and THAT'S legal. Alcohol impairs driving, and Prohibition worked so very well, didn't it? And as for the concept of a "gateway drug," I didn't realize After-School Specials from 1992 were considered documentaries now. Also, the rest of this paragraph serves as a SICK BURN.

""The decision will undoubtedly have grave unintended consequences, including a reversal of the declining crime rates that we as law enforcement practitioners have spent more than a decade maintaining," the officers write."

Oh, go fuck yourself. Normally, I like to be more clever than this, but seriously, go fuck yourself, you smarmy, smug pieces of shit.

"Worse, they warn, more states are likely to follow Washington and Colorado."


""The failure of the Department of Justice to challenge state policies that clearly contradict Federal law is both unacceptable and unprecedented. The failure of the Federal government to act in this matter is an open invitation to other states to legalize marijuana in defiance of federal law," they write."

So, it's irrelevant that it's a stupid fucking law that could not be repealed because Congress can't find their ass with both hands and a map? Right. Just checking.

I'm not generally anti-police, but at this moment, and on this subject, FUCK the police. Fuck them right in their stupid, self-righteous, self-aggrandizing, racist, piece of shit faces. Fuck them. Fuck them fuck them fuck them.