Written in Ink
Written in Ink
Illustration for article titled Vampire Cops

I'm still pitching my Vampire Cops TV show to the networks and its going okay, but in the mean time I thought I would treat you guys to another excerpt from a different episode. This one we are hopping in midway through the show, but I think you will be able to keep up.


[The Vampire Cops stand before a huge abandoned warehouse, mist swirling around their legs. All three are standing with their arms crossed, and are wearing leather pants, white blouses, and badges hanging from gold chains around their necks. Balthazar's blouse has no sleeves so you can see his huge muscles and tribal tattoos].

Patience: This is the place Kat Pierson told us she saw Beezlebub taking all the city's flower pots, let's investigate!

Balthazar: I'll try the door. [he rattles at the warehouses double doors but it won't move. He strains really hard and his muscles are wet with perspiration] Damn! It won't move!

Patience: Here, try to use more of your legs and hips. [she squats down behind him and wraps her arms tightly around his rock hard abdominals. They pull together now, grunting and moaning]

Abasalom: Looks like this is going to need three people. [he presses behind Patience and puts one hand on her hip, the other on Balthazar's massive pecks. The three pull together now, harder and harder. They are panting heavily but the door still won't budge. They do this for about three minutes until you hear the sound of pottery breaking inside the warehouse]

Balthazar: Shoot! He's breaking the flower pots! If he breaks them all, Commissioner Dracula won't give us our reward.

Abasalom: I swear, if Beezlebub wasn't my brother I would stake his heart myself, which is one of the few ways you can kill a vampire.

Patience: Guys look! There is a broken window up there, that's how we can get in. [she points to a broken window high up on the building]

[Dub-step music pumps as the three separate and MORPH into bats. The three bats screech and soar up and fly through the broken window. The bats land on the other side and MORPH back into Vampire Cops, who are each in three point landing poses. Inside, Beezlebub is arranging dozens of flower pots into rows. When he notices the three he drops another flower pot. Beezlebub is LAME and wears sandals and glasses and a t-shirt with a pot leaf on it.]

Beezlebub: OH! H-h-h-hi guys. I didn't notice you there.

Abasalom: Cut the crap, Beezlebub, you are in big trouble. [he says "shit" instead of "crap" if this is on HBO] Break another one of those flower pots and I'll break your face!

Patience: What do you need all these flower pots for anyways?

Beezlebub: I'm sorry, me and my partner were going to grow drugs in here so we stole all the flower pots. I now see that is wrong and I'm sorry. I'll return them where I found them.

Mr. Vines: [from shadows] Not so fast. [Mr. Vines emerges from the shadows. He is about 7 feet tall and made out of roots and vines. He looks like that vine monster from Sleepy Hollow but I thought of him first so technically they ripped me off]

Beezlebub: This is my partner, Mr. Vines. I'm sorry but I can't grow drugs with you any more.

Mr. Vines: HA! You fool! We were never going to grow drugs, I used you because you are stupid and lame. I was going to grow garlic in these pots so I can finally take down the Vampire Cops and rule this city like a king! A kingdom for plants!

Balthazar: We are going to stop you!

Patience: Yeah!

Abasalom: Right on!

[Mr. Vines punches his two hands, which are vines, straight through Beezlebub's torso. Because they are made of wood they count as stakes for killing vampires!]

Beezlebub: Oooow!

Vampire Cops: Nooooo!

[Mr. Vines laughs like a maniac and pulls the vines out. He disappears back into the shadows. The Vampire Cops rush to Beezlebub]

Abasalom: Are you okay?

Beezlebub: I think so, I don't think he hit my heart.

Abasalom: Guys, help my brother, I'm going to deal with Mr. Vines. [He rises with a determination look on his face and rushes into the shadows]

Balthazar: We have to stop the bleeding, here. [he rips off his blouse and wraps it around Beezlebubs wounds]

Patience: So much blood. Don't worry, you're going to make it Beezlebub [she pulls off her leather pants and wraps them around his wounds. I haven't decided yet what color her thong will be but I'm thinking either black or red (open to suggestions)]

Beezlebub: Thanks, Vampire Cops. I never should have messed with drugs.

And I think I'll leave this one a cliff hanger. Hope you enjoyed!

Share This Story

Get our newsletter