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Written in Ink
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Vampire Cops 3

Illustration for article titled Vampire Cops 3

Hello everyone! There has been a lull in the action around here so I thought now would be the perfect time to present to you a third sample from my Vampire Cops TV show I am currently shopping. Based off of my past excerpts (Vampire Cop episodes previously shown on Groupthink and Crosstalk) I've got a LOT of industry buzz going on right now. I'd like to present to you this short section of a third episode of the soon to be classic urban fantasy series, Vampire Cops. Enjoy!


[The Vampire Cops are in their coed sauna after a hard workout. Their bodies are wet and toned. Abasalom has a short white towel around his waist and a gold chain with his police badge around his neck. He wrings out a wet wash cloth over his abs. Balthazar sits on another bench, leaning back with his hands behind his head. He has a small washcloth over his noticeably large manhood and a gold chain with a police badge around his neck. Patience is reclining on another bench. She has a short white towel around her waist, and depending if this is on HBO or not, she has a small washcloth on each breast and a gold chain with her police badge around her neck. All three are wearing cool Ray Ban sunglasses]

Patience: What a workout, my glutes are killing me! Too bad we have to work out even though we are immortal as vampires.

Balthazar: I'll say, I was watching you doing those squats and I could see you really working it. You could probably use a massage.

Abasalom: I feel pretty good, my abs are really hard [he runs a hand down his stomach and then under the towel] but I feel like maybe I pulled my groin.

Patience: Aw, sorry about your groin, Abasalom. How about you lay back and I'll take care of your groin, and Balthazar, you try to loosen up my tight glutes?

Balthazar and Abasalom: Okay. [they make a mutual sex face at each other, and then at Patience. They both move to her bench as she gets up on her knees. Right then Beezlebub enters.]

Beezlebub: Vampire Cops! I have an important message from Commissioner Dracula! [Beezlebub is LAME and wearing a tuxedo his brother Abasalom let him borrow while he works as the butler at Vampire Cops HQ, but Abasalom is big and ripped and Beezlebub is small and doughy so the tuxedo fits him terribly. He is still wearing his signature sandals because he has toe fungus and no one will let him borrow their shoes]

Abasalom: Beezlebub, how many times do I have to tell you, the sauna is for Vampire Cops only! Your very presence here expelled the libidinous energy of the steam room, forever. I hate you, brother.

Patience: Don't be so cruel, I think it would be fine if Beezlebub stood in the doorway for a few more minutes.

Beezplebub: Thank you but I don't think there is time. Commissioner Dracula just called and told me Van Helsing has escaped from jail!

Balthazar: [slamming his massive fist against the bench] Damn it! Stupid liberal vampire justice system! They should have given that monster the chair!

Beezlebub: Dracula says he's on his way to cause trouble at the blood bank right now, and you might catch him if you hurry!

Abasalom: All right, let's hurry up and shower and get to the blood bank!

[There is a jump cut to the Vampire Cop communal gym shower. Smooth saxophone music plays as we see the silhouettes of the three Vampire Cops washing in slow motion. Their bodies are concealed by the thick steam of the shower, but you can make out EVERYTHING. Like, totally everything, you would have to pause and zoom somehow, but yeah. The screen fades to black and then we see the three fully dressed in their uniform white blouses and leather pants as they stride up to the blood bank. Balthazar's blouse does not have sleeves to show off his physique and tribal tattoos. The blood bank is a large building with Greek columns with a sign that says "Blood Bank" above its rotating doors.]

Balthazar: This looks like the blood bank, let's go inside.

Patience: Okay, hopefully we aren't too late.

[The three carefully pass through the rotating doors. This honestly will be the hardest scene to shoot, as it's impossible for a group of people to come through those doors together and look cool. You can't even have them wait and go through one at a time, because that would take forever and cut into the shower scene. Maybe they MORPH into bats again or something and fly through a vent. I'm still working on it. They get in somehow.]

Patience: Could we have beaten him here? Everything looks okay.

[Inside the blood bank things look calm. A short line of vampires are with a couple tellers receiving blood. The 100 year old security guard tips his hat to Vampire Cops as they enter]

Abasalom: Old man, have you seen the criminal Van Helsing in the blood bank tonight?

Security Guard: Not that I've noticed, then again, my memory ain't too good. What I do remember, though, is back when Japan surrendered in 1945…

Abasalom: Yes, yes, we were all there too, being that we are vampires and have already lived for hundreds of years. Good day.

[The trio move to a teller in front of several vampires in line]

Abasalom: Woman, is the man Van Helsing lurking about.

Teller: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Abasalom: Listen carefully. If he is behind you right now holding a crossbow to your back, blink twice.

Teller: I… no, Van Helsing is not here, I would tell you if I saw him.

Balthazar: This makes no sense, if he was here we should be able to smell his human blood, but all I can smell is the dusty old blood in the security guard. Van Helsing has never been here.

Patience: Enough of this, teller, give me your cell phone, please.

Teller: None of you vampire cops carry a phone or a radio?

Patience: These pants are so tight the pockets are basically decorative.

[The teller hands Patience her cell phone. She dials and the phone rings.]

Dracula: Hello this is Dracula, to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?

Patience: Hello, Commissioner Dracula, this is Patience.

Dracula: Oh hello, thank you for calling. How are you, Patience?

Patience: I'm well, how are you?

Dracula: I'm okay. What can I do for you this fine night?

Patience: We went to the blood bank looking for Van Helsing but no one has seen him, is there another place he could be?

Dracula: I would think jail, Patience! That's where he's been for quite a while!

Patience: You mean you didn't call Beezlebub and tell him Van Helsing escaped?

Dracula: No, now why would I say such a thing?

Patience: I'm so mad right now I'm going to hang up without saying good bye.

Dracula: Okay, bye bye tell everyone hello!

[Patience crushes the cell phone in her fist]

Patience: Guys, we have to get home. Commissioner Dracula says hi.

[We jump to a scene of the three Vampire Cops racing their matte black Ducati race bike though the night time traffic while dub step music plays. They pull up to Vampire Cops HQ and they all dismount. There is a soiled mattress in front of the door which they step over and enter the building. All three race upstairs and see Beezlebub tied up on his knees on top of the pool table.]

Beezlebub: I'm so sorry, his European accent confused me! I didn't speak to Dracula on the phone, I was speaking to Van Helsing!

Van Helsing: [stepping out of the shadows with a cross bow under his arm, slowly clapping] Well well well, Vampire Cops, so we meet again.

[Van Helsing is a middle aged man but super hot like the Dos Equis guy. He is dressed in a leather trench coat and has a salt and pepper beard.]

Abasalom: You bastard! Let my brother go!

Van Helsing: Perhaps I will, tell me, what is he worth to you?

Abasalom: I… love him. I know I don't always treat him that way. Actually, I know I don't. I treat him horribly, and I'm sorry. Maybe I just feel like we love each other so much that I can be hard on him, and he will never doubt that I love him. He's the only person I can be that way with. Beezlebub, I hope you know that.

Beezlebub: I know, brother. I love you.

[Right then Van Helsing shoots a bolt straight through Beezlebub's heart (a "bolt" is what you call an arrow when fired from a cross bow for whatever reason). Beezlebub looks shocked as he crumbles away to dust. The Vampire Cops are stunned as he disintegrates into a pile of dust atop a pair of disgusting sandals.]

Vampire Cops: Nooooo!

Van Helsing: Hahaha! Fuck you guys! [He does a back flip straight out the window behind him. He lands on the soiled mattress below and enters the door right next to Vampire Cops HQ. The three Vampire Cops MORPH into bats and fly down to the street below, where they MORPH back into Vampire cops with pistols drawn.

Abasalom: We will kill you, Van Helsing!

Van Helsing: [Through the mail slot] Oh yeah? Why don't you come in and kill me?

Balthazar: You… you have to invite us in, its Vampire protocol.

Van Helsing: That's right, and I rented this apartment next door to you with a FULL YEAR LEASE.

Abasalom: Damn it! [he kicks the door]

Patience: Abasalom, we can wait it out, we can stake out his place all night if we need to, we'll get him.

Van Helsing: Oh, you can wait outside all night, but what about the day? Check mate, Vampire Cops, this is the year I kill you all.


Hope you enjoyed this episode as much as I liked writing it. Keep watching HBO and maybe you'll catch the live action version some day!

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